Originals
Let’s Solve the Climate Crisis By Throwing Soup at Paintings!
You’ve seen news headlines about climate protesters in museums throwing soup at priceless artworks and wondered, who are these forward-thinking geniuses? That would be us, “Just Stop Oil”, the only global organization dedicated to climate action and soup propulsion. We at JSO are so dedicated to the battle against man-made climate change, we will not stop until the planet becomes carbon-neutral or soup-free, whichever comes first.
Since many wannabe activists have reached out to JSO about joining our cause, we have put together this little FAQ to help you decide whether and how to participate.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I’m right for JSO?
Do you ever catch yourself thinking: “Our planet will be unlivable if it heats up another 3 degrees. I better throw some clam chowder on a Van Gogh before it’s too late!” If that’s you, you’re exactly the kind of maverick, out-of-the-box thinker we need. If you’re only interested in working on common sense solutions, we’re not for you.
How is heaving soup at paintings helping the environment?
We have yet to come up with a single cogent answer that satisfies everyone. Instead, we offer several unrelated, incoherent answers in the hope that one of them sticks.
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Let’s start with “oil paintings”. Did you notice the first word? Oil is a fossil fuel, and fossil fuels are bad. Throwing soup at oil paintings is kind of a no brainer, don’t you agree?
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Our patent-pending soup formula is genetically engineered to suck carbon out of the atmosphere. After the museums, we plan to shoot the soup out of a bazooka into the clouds. On advice from our legal team, we are not taking follow-up questions.
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Most importantly, our actions get people talking. Sometimes about the environment, sometimes about what a “bunch of pathetic retards” we are. The point is, they’re talking. And every minute they’re talking is a minute they’re not burning fossil fuels. Unless they’re talking and driving at the same time. Admittedly, the logic isn’t airtight.
You’ve convinced me. I want to join you. What do I need to do?
First you’ll have to pass our Basic Training boot camp where you build up your soup-hurling muscles. You’d be amazed how much you use your triceps in this line of work. No one graduates until they can launch soup twelve feet out of a five gallon pot while being tased.
What will I need to bring to the soup-throwing event?
To paraphrase Captain Obvious, you’ll need soup, which you can order from our online portal. The soup will be delivered to your house (no P.O. boxes, please) in a green vehicle. (Note: it’s a diesel truck that we painted green.) Other items you’ll need:
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Museum tickets
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Gullibility
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A backpack with necessities for a night in jail
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Poor reading skills
Do you use the same type of soup on all paintings, or do you mix it up?
That’s a great question (finally). We here at JSO are culinary perfectionists and take great pains to pick the most appropriate soup for the artist and painting. See below for a pairing menu.
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Painting
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Artist
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Soup
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Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte
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Seurat
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French onion
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Guernica
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Picasso
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Gazpacho
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Return of the Prodigal Son
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Rembrandt
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Cream of herring
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Last Supper
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Leonardo da Vinci
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Matzo Ball
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Lady Godiva
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John Maler Collier
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Naked Barley and Vegetable
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The Scream
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Muensch
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Flaming Texas Hot Chili
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Do you have plans to expand your operations beyond museums?
Absolutely! We recently did an event at Stonehenge where we sprayed carrot soup on some really old rocks. And this summer, we’re planning a series of appearances at baseball games. If the umpire calls a strike on a ball two feet out of the strike zone, we run up and douse him with a Gatorade bucket filled with minestrone. This move will not only save the planet, but also significantly speed up games.
When and where is your next event?
Seriously, are you a moron? We don’t make public announcements about this stuff. Check out our Telegram channel if you really care.
What happens to protestors after they get caught? Will I go to prison?
It really depends on the painting. Most of the time, you get a slap on the wrist, maybe a few nights in the slammer followed by probation. The Mona Lisa was a totally different story – we pissed off a lot of people. Sadly, the protesters who splattered Mona are no longer employed by JSO. Long story short, France brought the guillotine out of retirement for a one-night-only performance.
I may lose my job after this. Will you write me a LinkedIn recommendation praising my skill, diligence and dedication?
No.
- About the Author
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I am a software engineer by day, comedy writer by night. New York transplant living in Silicon Valley. I write humorous skits, short stories and standup material.
