Originals

Life Advice from Ol’ Blue Eyes to His Son, Frank Sinatra Jr.

by Jennie Egerdie

Shut up

Two words. Shut up. Slide next to your Pop and, for a change, don’t talk … listen. You can get an awful lot of high-class stuff out of your Old Man if you treat me properly and pleasantly. This also works on the broads.

Never work blue

Write this down: You’ll never work the big rooms if you work blue. Capisce? You leave that to me.



Pay the kidnappers

After you were kidnapped in 1963, I had one thought: Pay ‘em whatever they want. Family is family. You do everything you can for family.

But, the next time you want to borrow the 1958 Cadillac Eldorado Brougham to take some stacked tomato to a clam-bake, let me remind you: Who paid your ransom? Take the bus!

Have a signature drink 

Here’s mine: Four ice cubes. Two fingers of Jack Daniels. A splash of water. And a dame with no brassiere to stare at from a distance while you sip it.

Be platinum
Means “be generous.” Generosity’s my bag. It should be your bag too. I bought Lewis Milestone a drink, and he cast me and the whole gang in Ocean’s 11. Now that’s platinum, pussycat!

Always carry a roll of dimes  

Kidnappers don’t accept collect calls, believe me, I’ve tried. I always carry a roll of dimes in case that dumb goombah I call my son gets kidnapped again.

I’m kidding!

But, seriously. Frank Jr, if you ever have a kid, make it easy on yourself. Keep your pockets full’a small change for the payphones – Wait, what do you mean there aren’t payphones anymore?

Don’t mess with finks

Waste. Of. Time. I’ve met many, many male finks. Not one of ‘em worth a dime. I only knew one dame fink, Dorothy Kilgallen. Still no good. I wouldn’t minded so much if she was a good-looking fink. The town where she came from? They had a beauty contest when she was 17 years old and nobody won.*

Don’t compare your children

Frank Jr, I swear, I would never compare my children. Sure, Nancy scored multiple platinum deals with those silver pipes and she had the good sense not to get kidnapped. But I love all my children equally. You know that.

Make sure to invoice your son with the kidnapper’s fee on his birthday.

I busted a gut on that one. You gotta learn how to take a joke, Franky!

Hands off Ava Gardner

Ring-a-ding-ding! The moment I laid eyes on her I said to Joey Bishop, “I’m going to marry that chick.” Our marriage? Bombsville. She treated me cruel. She treated me the way I treated every woman before her. Devastating. Incredible broad.

Never let opportunities pass you by

Like I did, not beating the pants off Marlon “Mumbles” Brando when I had the chance. What a fink. Regrets, I’ve had a few, but that one’s a big one.

And on that note,

Claim Ronan Farrow as your natural son

WOW-EE WOW WOW! You want this cat for a son, believe me. I respect talent, and I haven’t seen a man that chock-full of talent since I first warmed up my million dollar pipes in Hoboken. What a big-leaguer: the cat is smart, the cat can write, the cat inherited my blue eyes…Wait a minute.

Frank Jr.?

Are you crying?

Oh for the love of –

Frank Jr. Stop crying. For Pete’s sake, stop crying. Stop. Crying.

But, most importantly: Loosen up!

Swing, baby! Cock your hat! Dust off those gossamer wings I gave you and fly yourself to the moon of your choice! The best is yet to come!

 

That enough catchphrases? Now go outside, I’m tired.

 

*Direct quote. Source: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/574/transcript