Best of 2023

I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes 

Hi, I’m Saint Patrick, and I’m the only person who can fix the number-one issue plaguing America: Snakes.


America has an infamous snake problem. You can’t go anywhere in America without worrying about snakes causing a mass tragedy. There are snakes slithering into your movie theaters, hissing and attacking night clubs, even curled up in children’s backpacks waiting to ambush schools. Worse, regardless of mental health status or police record, almost anyone can get their hands on a snake, from a teeny-tiny garter to terrifying Burmese pythons. This has to stop. 


Not to brag, but I’ve had a little experience in helping a country fix its snake problem. Ever heard of snakes destroying Ireland? No? That’s because I banished them all. Don’t be fooled by the naysayers yelling, “No way, there were never snakes in Ireland,” or “St. Patrick, you’re just a legend,” or “Wait, aren’t you the reason Boston is covered in drunken vomit?” To them I say, You’re wrong, Hell yes I am, and I’m only responsible for Boston on March 17th. Boston, get your shit together. 


I’ve heard all the pro-snake arguments. “Americans will only give up their snakes when you pry them from our cold, dead hands!  Our right to snakes is protected by the Second Amendment!” 


May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want. 


And I’m not trying to take away ALL your snakes. I just want to reduce easy access to dangerous snakes in order to make this country a safer place.


Which brings me to my three-part plan: 


First and foremost, I will immediately enact sensible snake laws, by which I mean laws that make some damn sense. I see how your small, rat-catching snakes have their place in rural areas. But why do we allow citizens to walk into an Olive Garden and demand endless breadsticks with their arms full of writhing, hissing rattlesnakes? Why do Americans need to arm themselves to go to Olive garden? What is happening at Olive Garden?


Secondly, I will forbid the sale of jacked-up assault snakes. Listen to Patrick: A regular snake is dangerous enough on its own. No regular, suburban man needs a cobra spitting rapid-fire venom, a bionic black mamba, or a viper welded between two flamethrowers. What is this, a Michael Bay movie? Stop.


Thirdly, and most importantly, It’s time we stop letting men have snakes. Over 90% of all homicides recorded worldwide were committed by male perpetrators. From aggressive, angry dudes collecting toxic snake paraphernalia, to gym bros calling their muscles “pythons,” men have proven they aren’t to be trusted with snakes, literally or metaphorically. 


I assure you I’m the only man who can get this job done. You need to understand, your politicians aren’t going to do a thing. They’re deep in the pocket of BIG SNAKE. For too long we’ve let Big Snake run our country, letting major policy be dictated by the whims of snake lobbyists, the Don’t Tread On Me extremists, fanatical serpent wranglers, hiss-whisperers and, of course, the Venomous Freedom Biters Militia.


America deserves better. Americans deserve a true leader, a leader who will put their safety first, a leader who values human lives above snakes. 


After that, we should do something about all the guns. But first? Snakes.