Look. We All Had Fun Laughing About Toad From Mario Kart. Now Can We Get Back To Talking About How Rainbow Road Is Total Bullshit?

“He’s the lovable mushroom-headed character from the Super Mario games. But thanks to excerpts from porn star Stormy Daniels’ tell-all book, [the video game character] Toad has become associated with US President Donald Trump. In it, she compares Trump’s penis to the ‘mushroom character in Mario Kart’

–From BBC, 9/19/18

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Look. I get it. I get why we’re talking about Toad from Mario Kart right now. The recent excerpts from Stormy Daniels’ new memoir are, for lack of a better word, salacious.

But honestly, while we could spend all day joking about how the president may or may not be similar to a certain video game character… can we (just this once) stop laughing about this total non-issue and, instead, start talking about the truly and fundamentally important problems that face this nation?

Like how the Mario Kart stage ‘Rainbow Road’ is complete and utter bullshit?

Yeah. Sure. We’ve all heard the jokes by now: the character Toad has a weird, bulbous head. Har har har. Now can we get our minds out of the gutter and start talking about actual issues, people?

Like how the Mario Kart stage ‘Rainbow Road’ is both mind-numbingly complex and (paradoxically) absurdly unenjoyable?

Just look at this course:

 

Photo credit: The Odysey

 

Forget Stormy Daniels. Now that’s the kind of disgusting impropriety that we, as a society, should be discussing.

Seriously. Not only is Rainbow Road a sadistic hellscape of sharp curves, dangerous jumps, and sparse item boxes. But, more importantly, the course rarely (if ever) deigns to provide guard rails for the unsuspecting gamer.

That’s right. No guard rails.

Um… I’m sorry, but I thought that Mario Kart was supposed to be an escapist thrillride through the fantastical realms of Nintendo. Not a journey into the very depths of perdition–a journey (it should be added) that takes place entirely in the vast abyss of outer space.

Answer me this, America: why on earth are we laughing about Toad when we should be angry about far-greater issues?

Rainbow Road issues.

And, even worse, Mario Kart treats Rainbow Road like it’s some sort of “grand, divine reward” or something. Literally, in all eight iterations of the Mario Kart franchise (Super Mario Kart, Mario Kart 64, Mario Kart: Super Circuit, Mario Kart: Double Dash!!, Mario Kart DS, Mario Kart Wii, Mario Kart 7, and Mario Kart 8), Rainbow Road is always the final course.

Yup. Rainbow Road is the last course you ever get to play in every single game of Mario Kart.

Can you imagine the brazenness? The audacity? The sheer cojones it must take to treat Rainbow Road (of all places) like it’s some sort of quote-unquote “gift” from the arrogant gamemakers at Nintendo? Can you imagine creating a near-perfect, immersive video game experience like Mario Kart, only to end it with the metaphorical slap-in-the-face that is Rainbow Road?

I, for one, am simply astounded that the mainstream media has wasted so much of our time discussing the ramifications of Stormy Daniels’ new book, when it hasn’t even scratched the surface of the turd-filled candy wrapper that is Rainbow Road.

And yeah. I’m sorry. I know I’m beating a dead horse here. But can we talk for a second about the sheer length of Rainbow Road? Because it’s too long. Rainbow Road is the Atlas Shrugged of Mario Kart.

Let’s just talk numbers for a second. In the sixth installment of the Mario Kart franchise (Mario Kart Wii), the first four courses of the game’s ‘Mushroom Cup’ take an average of 107 seconds to complete.

You heard me. A cool 107 seconds.

Now that’s an appropriate length for Mario Kart racecourse.

Now, compare this number to the length of Rainbow Road which, on average, takes a whopping 230 seconds to complete. I’m sorry, but in what world is this fair? In what world is this desired? In what world is this even acceptable?

And more importantly, why should I bring myself to care about Stormy Daniels’ new “explosive excerpts” when I just wasted three and a half minutes of my life driving through a celestial hellscape that doesn’t even bother to add GUARD RAILS?

It’s horse shit.

In summation and in conclusion, I recognize that it’s fun to joke about Toad from Mario Kart right now. But we must also recognize that there are truly important problems that threaten this country on a daily basis. Problems that put even global warming and immigration to shame.

Rainbow-colored problems.

And don’t even get me started on the ‘Bowser’s Castle’ course. Because that course suuuuucks.