Everyone knows me love cookies. Me name synonymous with cookie lover (me think “monster” is exaggeration). But me develop… slight problem with cookie, let’s say. Me doctor tell me that me now have pre-diabetes. Me supposed to cut back on cookies. Me agree to try out new slogan, “A cookie is a sometime food.” Me agree to eat more vegetables. Me dial back on weed, since it makes me want to eat cookies.
Me have big problem, though, during Girl Scout cookie season. Me love Girl Scout cookies. Me want to support Girl Scouts of America. Me think they are a very fine organization. Me want to buy cookie from every Girl Scout who comes to door selling them. Me cannot resist.
Me tell first Girl Scout how doctor say me should not have so many cookies. She tell me that Girl Scouts have vegan options. What is vegan? me ask. Girl Scout tell me it contain no animal product. No butter. No milk. No eggs. Me think that not make very good cookie. Me think me can resist eating them. Me order box of vegan cookies. Me find out they are in fact very good. Me eat entire box of vegan cookies.
Me ask next Girl Scout who comes to me door to tell me about other healthy options. Me trying very hard to make good choices. She tell me about gluten free cookies. Me try Toffee-tastic and Caramel Chocolate Chip. Me have same problem. Me eat two boxes of cookies.
Me give in to next Girl Scout and order favorite cookies, Tagalongs and Samoas. Me tell self me will freeze some. Me tell myself me will not eat more than two at a time. Me find out later me lying to myself.
Me decide to bring cookies to work instead of eating them all by self. Me put cookies in break room. Bert and Ernie say they no longer have to boycott Scouts and help themselves. Big Bird say he like Trefoils because they remind him of bird food. Me think this is win-win. But me eat four cookies (four was number of the day) each time me take union-mandated break. Me still end up eating sixteen cookies in one day. Me try not to think about how many grams of sugar in sixteen cookies.
Me know some people think it is easy to not eat too many cookies. Me know some people think me ridiculous. Some people ask, “What’s with ‘me’ all the time? Why can’t you just say ‘I’?” Look, me try to change. Me know me not perfect. Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance. Me not know if you notice no therapist on Sesame Street, which me frankly need more than laundromat. Me no wear clothes. Me try once, but have problems finding pants that fit with me physique. Me know this tied to eating cookies. But me still want to eat all the Girl Scout cookies. Me somehow end up ordering twenty-eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies from six different Girl Scouts. Me not quite sure how this happened.
Me know this not popular opinion, but me think worst Girl Scout cookies are Thin Mints. Me know. Many people love Thin Mints. People have strong opinion on this. Me say people wrong. Me order some anyway because spouse loves Thin Mints. Me still end up eating half a box of Thin Mints. Me not feeling very thin. Me suggest new word of the day: irony.
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Janine Annett lives in New York, in a house full of piles of books, with her husband, son, and very old cat. Her humor writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the Establishment, and other websites. Janine also writes picture books. Her website is www.janineannett.com.