originals

Does The Mile High Club Still Count if My Plane Has Been Missing Since 2014?

by Connor McCausland

Guess what, man? I totally did it! Mile high club, baby! Yes! I just got LAID in the bathroom of this regularly-scheduled international passenger flight operated by Malaysia Airlines. Which reminds me: she was Asian! And we’re irrevocably lost in the fabric of time, as you may or may not have heard.

 

So apparently we perforated a universal loophole (while I perforated her poon-iversal poophole!!) and like, now we’re existing outside of the domain of human conception for the time being. Annoying as hell! But don’t forget…I fuckin’ boned in the sky! I didn’t last long — but time doesn’t really mean anything up here, so I’m not too embarassed. In fact, we’ve been trying to find a way out for over 100 years in earthtime. Which also means, like, it took me 100 years to get laid up here, which I admit isn’t overly impressive. But even though it took me a century it was still crazy dope!

 

The more I think about it, the more I think she was distracted by something during the whole thing (humping in the sky). Perhaps it could be my superfluous third nipple that looks like an unsightly chest mole, but it could also be the fact that we were gleaning colors impossible to render in our familiar dimension and observing shapes that seemed to eclipse themselves in abstruse folds and twists. Either way, she was really nice about the whole thing. Even when I vomited all over the bathroom from lack of spatial comprehension, she was just a sweetheart. Mile high! Mile high! Club! Club. I still feel very ill.

 

Hopefully we find a way out soon, because it’s actually getting sort of awkward between us. Not socially, but matter is collapsing into obscure fractals and mathematical impossibilities, which just feels off. I literally can’t put my finger on it, because it’s non-dimensional and atomically nebulous. Thank God I got to smash before gravity was rendered into obsoletion! Hahaha. I’m so scared, please help us!