Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes

Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes as a Special Correspondent. The network has leaked some promos from the upcoming season:

1. You get a subpoena! And you get a subpoena! Everybody gets a subpoena! [Audience cheers.]

2. Is this really cashmere? Or is it actually just two-ply angora? [Tick-tick-tick-tick.]

3. [Knocks on door of fancy spa] I know you’re in there. [Sniffs] I can smell the eucalyptus under the door.

4. You say you never experienced a lavender bath?
Other person: That’s right.
Other person: I don’t even know what lavender is.
 [Oprah leans in] Then why can I see the bubble residue right there below your ear? [Licks her thumb, wipes person’s ear.]

5. We went to investigate my favorite Chicago restaurant and what we found inside will shock you like it shocked my producers, even the bad ones who were re-assigned to me for screwing up in Iraq.

6. Tell me, Senator, how are you cutting the flab up here in Congress?
Senator: Well, I don’t know, I…
[Assistants carrying trays pour in from all sides of the office]  You don’t have to because I brought you all Spanx! Spanx for everyone!

7. We’ve never seen you behave like this before.
Newt Gingrich: I know! [Newt jumps up and down on couch Tom Cruise style] I am in love! I am in love with this new administration!

8. We’re here in Chicago, home of Al Capone and other notorious Prohibition figures, to introduced our new storage segment: Organized Crimes!

9. Coming up next, Dr. Mehmet Oz joins me to investigate the dark underbelly of CBS News when we give Steve Kroft a live colonoscopy!

10. We all know on-air reporters are skinny and attractive, so we wanted to know, can investigative journalism actually make you fat?

11. So, you see, the only thing keeping you from getting what you want is the story you keep telling yourself about why it can’t happen.
[Cut to dog, blinking, staring at skateboard.]

12. [Oprah in pajamas in giant bed.] Today I’m going to interview someone everyone has tried to get but they just didn’t know the right way to ask. Everybody! Vladimir Putin pajama party! [Pull out to reveal Vladimir Putin also in pajamas in bed].