Most Commonly Accessed FAQs On The Farmers Only Website

“Would you please designate a special section of your site to pot farmers only? Thanks! PS- If adequately buzzed, I put out on the first date!”

“Do you have any guys on the site who don’t constantly chew tobacco? I’m really tired of my lady parts constantly smelling like a spittoon.”

“It’s incredibly sexy that the men on this site work off of the land; there’s something very primal and beautiful about that. However, please ask them to hose the shit off of their boots before picking me up for a date and traipsing all over my brand new Persian hand knotted silk rugs. For fuck sakes.”

“There’s a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn’t click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that’s been spritzed with Stetson cologne?”

“Are you guys aware that all we have to do to meet a farmer is wear a pair of short shorts to a rodeo? Rodeos have Ladies Nights often, so it’s even cheaper than your service here. Also, seeing these guys in person helps out weed out the hunchbacks, etc.”

“Am I correct in thinking that, even if the guy in question is a cowboy, you shouldn’t get into a car with a date if you spot a spool of rope in his back-seat?”

“Once I’ve tried every other dating app out there, which is the last desperate attempt to find a decent man? Is it you guys, or Christian Mingle?”

“I’ve noticed that the guy I found via your app has dirty fingernails that smell sort of like poop. Is that just a farmer thing, or does this mean that he’s probably seeing someone else on the side?”


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence