Originals

No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors

Urgent notice to my fellow Door Manufacturers:

 

We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this much danger of fading into obscurity. The ‘one entrance, one exit’ movement sweeping the nation is putting our entire sector at risk. If your livelihood depends on the fabrication, sale, and installation of doors, then this is no laughing matter.

No one will be spared. If all buildings subject to potential mass shootings decide to throw ease of movement and fire safety to the wolves by cutting all egress options down to a single file line, it’s going to put us all out of business. It won’t just be cutting down our door production numbers prohibitively, but with all the excess doors no longer needed, we will be flooded with an overabundance of inventory. And we just cannot count on another Matrix sequel to pick up the slack.

Where are we going to sell all of our excess doors? Sure Europe and Asia still seem to enjoy having multiple access points to their enclosed structures, but for how long? Once the rest of the world sees how successful in curbing mass shootings the one door policy is, they are sure to follow suit. Even if no one else really has mass shootings to begin with. You can never be too secure!



This is just the first step. It’s only a matter of time before entrances and exits are eliminated completely. In the not too distant future people will realize that the most protected our children will be is with zero ways in and zero ways out of any building. Just large featureless rectangles incapable of being accessed. There’s nothing safer than that.

 

My grandfather, a door-man from the old country (not to be confused with a doorman, who will also be adversely effected if this ‘one entrance’ plan goes live. What will their jobs entail once there are no doors? A wallman is not as in demand.) came here with nothing to his name but the clothing on his back and an intimate knowledge of expert craftsmanship in Dutch Doors. He was always fond of saying that the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and needing doors for not only providing security by protecting passage into any given structure, but also to properly delineate distinctive areas from each other. It was a very long saying and I would often get bored halfway through. Still, he’d be rolling over in his barn door themed coffin at the historical crossroads we currently find ourselves staring down.

We need to get the PR machine up and running fast. The chorus of those calling for door minimization is growing at an alarming clip and if we sit idly by and do nothing to stem the tide we are sure to be relegated to the obscurity files. Just like cassette tapes, slide projectors, and every other weapon but guns.

Let’s change the narrative. I know we’ll have to own up to some of the responsibility. Doors are a big part of the reason so many people are dying from these tragic murders. None of this would happen if there weren’t ways to get into places.  A person with a gun would most definitely get confused and stymied by a lack of entrances, probably spending several minutes wondering just how they can get inside a building with one door, eventually just giving up because the sheer weight of all the guns and ammo they are carrying is starting to tax their muscles. We understand that. And we have to face the music.

But we can, nee must, also point out the benefit of doors. It’s not all bad. Doors can do good as well as evil. Doors don’t need to just be the problem, they can also be the solution. In fact doors can save you! Just ask Kate Winslet’s character in Titanic. Without that door she’d be in Davy Jones’ locker right now. Unless the locker door was locked, then she’d be beside Davy Jones’ locker trying to get in.

Be sure not to ask Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from Titanic. One door giveth, the other taketh away.

Maybe we can cast blame elsewhere? How are windows skating by unscathed? If doors are being taken down, why do windows get a free pass? To say nothing of chimneys. Those belittling window people have always thought they were better than us by virtue of being transparent and enhancing airflow, and this is just proving them right.

The window lobby has been too powerful for too long. We have to up our game. Get all those pro door senators and congressman on speed dial and don’t rest until they are willing to put forth legislation codifying the need for doors. I’m not advocating for bribery, but maybe a well-placed French Door donation to a Super Pac or two wouldn’t hurt.

We also might need to think of some out of the door solutions. What if we made our doors slightly thinner? So a prospective killer can’t easily fit their automatic rifles through without turning sideways? They might think twice about their actions if they had to shift their bodies a little before gaining a foothold into the building they are planning to shower with bullets.

This is just one idea. I’m sure we can come up with more. Time is of the essence here. We need to come together like we never have before. I know the door business can be contentious and a lot of us haven’t seen hinge to hinge in recent years, but I would like to think we can put our past disputes behind us and unite for the survival and sanctity of doors.

Think of how happy this development is making those on the wheel side of that wheel/door debate. We can’t let those smug bastards win.

 

by Adam Paul Rotstein

Adam Paul Rotstein

Adam Paul Rotstein has been writing TV for over 15 years, primarily animation (broadcast in countries all over the world), running the gamut from preschool to tweens to young adult to old but immature adult. From Corus to Aardman to Fox to Netflix. From educational to action to wall to wall fart jokes. He does a lot of sitting.