Wake Up, America!

ANCHOR 1: Good morning, and welcome to Wake Up, America!, America’s favorite morning Infotainment show!

ANCHOR 2: Good morning!

ANCHOR 1: Unfortunately, we have news today of another mass shooting. Twelve people are dead after a gunman opened fire in a bar.

ANCHOR 2: Oh, what a tragedy.

ANCHOR 1: Thoughts and prayers.

ANCHOR 2: Yes, thoughts and prayers.

ANCHOR 1: Up next, dogs doing funny things!

ANCHOR 2: Ha ha ha, oh I love it when dogs do funny things.

(THEY ROLL TAPE)

ANCHOR 1: That was hilarious!

ANCHOR 2: It sure was.

ANCHOR 1: I’m sorry to say, I just got a report of another mass shooting. Fifteen people have been shot inside a sanctuary.

ANCHOR 2: Oh, how awful.

ANCHOR 1: But there’s nothing we can do.

ANCHOR 2: Our thoughts are with the victims and their families.

ANCHOR 1: Thoughts. Prayers.

ANCHOR 2: Yes, of course, thoughts and prayers.

ANCHOR 1: And now: How to look like a celebrity, on a budget!

ANCHOR 2: Oooh! That sounds wonderful!

(THEY ROLL TAPE)

ANCHOR 1: Well, that was informative! AND entertaining.

ANCHOR 2: What celebrity do you want to look like?

ANCHOR 1: Any of them!

ANCHOR 2: Heh heh.

ANCHOR 1: This just in: Twenty children have been shot in a school.

ANCHOR 2: No, no, that’s old news. That happened last week.

ANCHOR 1: Nope, it’s another one. Different school this time, different kids.

ANCHOR 2: Oh my. So sad.

ANCHOR 1: There is nothing to be done except to offer our thoughts and prayers to the victims and their loved ones.

ANCHOR 2: Absolutely. I offer my thoughts and prayers.

ANCHOR 1: But next! One of the Royals re-wore a gown she already wore once!

ANCHOR 2: She’s a cheeky one!!

(THEY ROLL TAPE)

ANCHOR 1: That was something!

ANCHOR 2: Indeed!

ANCHOR 1: Oh, wait a minute, we’re getting breaking news. 50 people have been shot at an anti-gun rally.

ANCHOR 2: Oh, how terrible.

ANCHOR 1: It’s just awful.

ANCHOR 2: Let’s offer them our thoughts and prayers.

ANCHOR 1: Indeed. And now, we’re going to show you how to make a pile of cheese look like a pumpkin!

ANCHOR 2: Won’t that be a big hit at Thanksgiving!

(THEY ROLL TAPE)

ANCHOR 1: I can’t wait to try that.

ANCHOR 2: Mmmmm-hmmmm. What’s better than pumpkin spice cheese?

ANCHOR 1: Nothing! I’m getting another report coming in that 100 people have been shot at a “Fun Run”.

ANCHOR 2: That doesn’t sound fun!

ANCHOR 1: No, it certainly doesn’t!

ANCHOR 2: Let me just say, I want to give my thoughts and prayers to those who have been affected by this tragedy.

ANCHOR 1: Same, of course. Well, moving right along, we’ve got… a surprise makeover!

ANCHOR 2: Ooh, I love makeovers!

(THEY ROLL TAPE)

ANCHOR 1: Wow, what a makeover! Up next, how to talk to your children about mass shootings.

ANCHOR 2: That’s a very important topic.

ANCHOR 1: Wait, wait – we have some more breaking news. 200 people were just shot by a gunman.

ANCHOR 2: Yawn.

ANCHOR 1: I know.

ANCHOR 2: Enough already. Just keep rolling with the next segment.

ANCHOR 1: OK, well, we were going to have a segment about talking to your kids about shootings, but that got interrupted by the breaking news. So we’re going to move along to our next segment: Celebrities’ favorite snacks!

ANCHOR 2: Oh, I can’t wait to hear about that one. Hopefully, during the three minutes it’s airing, we won’t have any more shootings!

ANCHOR 1: Well, just in case we do, thoughts-and-prayers in advance.

ANCHOR 2: Oh, yes, thoughts-and-prayers.