Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator ™

Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy.  To be clear — Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again.

CARTOON: God Shmod

Commando Commandments. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers

Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.

I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes 

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

CARTOON: Gunny Grandma

Someone's been naughty. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.


Don't sneeze. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors

We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this much danger of fading into obscurity. The ‘one entrance, one exit’ movement sweeping the nation is putting our entire sector at risk. If your livelihood depends on the fabrication, sale, and installation of doors, then this is no laughing matter.

CARTOON: eMoated

Then there's a riddle. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

CARTOON: GOP in the Room

Vote them out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Supply Pains

Always stocked and loaded. Today's cartoon by Teresa Burns Parkhurst.

CARTOON: Old Normal

The other virus is back. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

I’m Sorry I Yelled at You About Your Guns, Uncle Jack

I’m also sorry I mocked you for your food hoards – I’m sorry, I’m sorry, supply stores. I bet *you’re* not out of toilet paper, right? Ha, ha. I know I made fun of the fact that you’d cached so many Slim Jims, but a lot of what you had down there was of solid nutritional value. 

A Manly Holiday Gift Guide of Manly Gifts for the Manly Men in Your Life  

A flask with a Mini-Flask Hidden on the Side of It. And more.

Please Accept my Application to Join Your Post-Apocalypse Survival Crew

One last thing, and I think you’ll appreciate the crux of my proposal here: yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly three years now, and while technically not a certified instructor-- what? No, not certified, but does it matter? Surely your medic isn’t an actual doctor, right?

CARTOON: Locked and Loaded

Getting ready for Trumper Dome. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16

There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.

Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane

Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.

Wake Up, America!

ANCHOR 2: Our thoughts are with the victims and their families. ANCHOR 1: Thoughts. Prayers. ANCHOR 2: Yes, of course, thoughts and prayers. ANCHOR 1: And now: How to look like a celebrity, on a budget!

9 Things That Are Definitely More Responsible For School Shootings Than Guns

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances…

Are You Hollywood Pansies Ready To Buy The Actionest Action Movie Of All Time?

Sup, bitches. Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience…

The White House's Nine-Point Plan to Make America's Schools Safe Again

1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational…

NRA Kid Books

We’ve all heard about NRA TV and the gun happy shows they…

If Trump Had Run Into The Florida School Shooting

President Donald J. Trump said this week that if he had been…

Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”

The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans…

Hearing To Determine Grizzly Bear’s Eligibility In Schools

SENATOR BERNIE SALAMANDER: (D-VA): The watering hole will come…

Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…

Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…

Tips For A Fun, Massacre-Free Backyard Barbecue

No need to be as lax as the US Govt's gun-purchasing policies.;…