NYSE-Style Ticker Symbols For Terrible Business Ideas

SMOO: Smoove

A topical stool softener you apply to your stool after you’ve made your movement, Smoove does nothing for the consumer’s body, but lessens the wear and tear of harsh BM’s on their toilet.

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BTCH: Bitcoin Hound

A crypto currency regulated by the Basset Hound Association of America. The goal of this crypto is to allow enthusiasts of Basset Hounds to exist totally independently and untethered to normal society.

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BOOP: Bohemian Optometry 

This chain of Optometry clinics caters to the individual who finds traditional medical offices boring and sterile. Bohemian Optometry employees have unique personal style, the offices themselves have brightly colored rugs and pillows with tassels.

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SNU: Système de Navigation Utopie

This French navigation system directs users directly to their own personal utopias. Speaking with a soothing, sophisticated French accent, Système de Navigation Utopie, gives you step by step directions to your happy place based on a few preliminary questions, though it is best suited for people who love Paris.

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NUTZ: Nütz

Like regular nuts, but with a cool, Nü Metal vibe. These cashews and almonds have heavy bass, dreadlocks, are terrible at rapping and of course, are white.

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ZITZ: Z-Itz

Cravable snacks for the sleep deprived, Z-Itz are bite sized crackers infused with melatonin that satisfy your late night cravings and your need for a good night’s rest. Z-Its come in a wide variety of delectable cheese flavors from Cheddar to Garlic Parm.

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YSND: Yes And Industries 

An improv comedy-based telecommunications company, Yes And Industries connects people via pretend telephones, with plans on expanding to culinary arts, namely fake onion chopping, in the near future.

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BRTH: BURTH

For those who don’t want a traditional home or hospital birth, BURTH provides tailored birthing experiences at the peaks of various mountain ranges. Depending on price level, “Burthers” can enjoy a solo chilly experience, or in groups of up to three or four, at the summit of some of the world’s coldest mountains.

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PLAC: Placeebo

Placeebo is the placebo pill for Gen Z. It doesn’t do anything, but they don’t have to know that. Soon, rather than crying on Instagram, they’ll be unwittingly suppressing their emotions like so many generations that came before them.

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RMJB: REMJab

REMJab uses state of the art sleep technology to make sure you get just enough REM sleep. When you’ve reached the minimum amount of REM sleep you need to function, REMJab sticks you with a cattle prod, jolting you awake, refreshed, energized and ready to make the most of your day.