COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed…

From The Desk Of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey

Hello Twits!

Just a little nickname for Twitter users that we like to use around the office. Cute, ain’t it?
Listen, these are crazy, horrifying times, even for agoraphobic shut-ins who only monitor the world through their Twitter feed. And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter. It’s our main priority to monitor their activity, as well as to ensure that the heated arguments regarding the Bachelor finale don’t get too out of control. In the meantime, stay safe out there. Or just stay at home on the couch with your face plastered on Twitter. That works too.

StigMAGA’s Bargain Religious Supply Warehouse
Bea Zullbub, Sr Manager

I greet you, brothers and sisters!
These are indeed perilous times in our country. I would even go so far as to say that “thoughts and prayers” may no longer be doing the job. Troubling indeed.
No, in times such as these, we need something a bit more realistic and practical. And with hand sanitizer suddenly difficult to find, might we suggest our new assortment of aromatic, hand-pump holy water dispensers? Guaranteed to keep the coronavirus at bay, as well as demon-mongers, sodomites and liberals!
Remember, we’re here for you during this difficult time! And even if this holy water thing turns out to be a bust, hey, at least when you get sick and die, you’ll probably go to Heaven!

Dear Ashley Madison Member,

Heh. “Member”. Good one, right?
We here at Ashley Madison aren’t letting this coronavirus scare get us down. The formation of our company is in fact considered one of the main signs that the Apocalypse is soon upon us, so all of this stuff about a killer virus threatening all of humanity isn’t really much of a surprise.
Still, we take your business seriously, and want to assure you that we’re taking all of the available precautions to ensure that anyone that you meet through our service is 100% coronavirus free. Now, you still have to worry about most of our subscribers having everything from HPV and chlamydia to genital leaping fungus, of course, so don’t get lazy. Well, lazier.

To the people who shop at Puff It Or Stuff It Dispensary,

Here at Puff It Or Stuff It, we care about your health and well-being. Then we stumble on a seven hour Blossom marathon and forget about it for awhile. But then we remember again, eventually! And when we do, we make it a priority to ensure that we’re doing all that we can to keep the coronavirus away from our product, and away from you. But first we just need to do another hit real quick, and then make sure that everyone has chipped in a few bucks for the Uber Eats guy, but you know, it’s on the list of things we’ll get around to doing. You wanna hit this? Good shit, right? Oh fuck, we forgot about the coronavirus germs! Ah, it’s probably cool, no worries. Have a slice of this pizza, this one only has a coupla bites out of it. Do you like Blossom?

Dear Spencer’s Gifts shopper,

We know that when you’re shopping for that special set of Family Guy shot glasses, a black light poster of Mr. Spock taking a hit off of a futuristic bong, or a greeting card that strongly insinuates that your sister is a whore, you don’t need the threat of a terrifying virus looming over you. Now, this may be a moot point, seeing as our stores are dropping more quickly than the people who catch this virus, but we’d still like to assure you that your health and well-being while in our stores is of the utmost importance to us, as well as to our staff of surly teenaged employees. Don’t allow their derisive chuckling as you purchase the set of Dukes of Hazard anal beads fool you.

Dear Hustler Store customer,

The adult film and sex toy industry is obviously deeply, deeply, oh yes so deeply concerned about the coronavirus situation. When we say “We must all come together”, we’re not just attempting to make a cheaply obvious reference to our popular and best-selling line of bukkake videos. To that hot, wet end, we’re pledging to keep our stores clean and virus free; I mean, as much as we’re able to do so, at least. There’s only so much we can do about the homeless guys masturbating in the magazine section every time we fucking turn around. In return, we ask that you, our valued customers, please do a decent job of giving a decent scrub to any used butt-plugs that you bring in for a refund. Deal?