Originals

Please Don’t Ignore Our Brief Survey About Your Customer Care Experience

Jan 7, 2:31 PM            
RE: Your opinion matters! 
Dear Valued Customer:
Thanks for calling Customer Care! Our records show that you spoke to Andrew about your refund. We’d like feedback on the support you received. Your response will help us provide world-class service! To begin our satisfaction survey, click here.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Jan 14, 3:43 PM
RE: Your opinion matters, as does our unending neediness
Dear Valued Customer:
           We apologize for this reminder but our valued customers rarely respond to our surveys the first time we ask. Or ever.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team
P.S. To begin, click here.

Jan 21, 11:12 AM
RE: You clearly don’t get how badly we want your feedback
Dear Valued Customer:

            Wow, you called five more times about your refund. Tell us how we did! For your convenience, we’re providing a separate survey for each call. To begin, click herehereherehere and here.

Thanks!

Your friends on the Customer Care Team


Jan 24, 3:14 PM
RE: Pretty sure you’re deleting our surveys
Dear Valued Customer:
          We know you’re busy but, really? Can’t squeeze in one tiny survey? Yet you have time for those oh-so-clever replies to the rants of semi-literate Twitter trolls.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Jan 2710:02 AM
RE: Yep, you’re deleting our surveys
Dear Valued Customer:
We received your request to opt out of our surveys. No worries! Most of our valued customers ask to opt out, often dozens of times. Rest assured, we’re just as bad at processing opt-outs as we are at refunding your money.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Jan 28, 1:25 PM
RE: For the love of god, don’t delete!
Dear Valued Customer:
            Did you know calls are recorded for quality assurance and training purposes? To help you provide the feedback you owe us before we can send the refund we owe you, here’s a summary of your most recent call. You’re welcome!
·       11:03 AM: You follow the system prompts and enter your 15-digit account number (excluding any letters), social security number, birth date, zip code and PIN. But you exceed the allotted time and are disconnected.
·       11:09 AM: You wait in our hold queue for 37 minutes. For music, you select Light Jazz. 
·       11:46 AM: You reach Jasmine in Marketing. You say, “But I followed the system prompts and pressed 5 for Customer Care!” She transfers the call and you are disconnected.
·       1:05 PM: You finally reach Andrew and ask about your refund. During your 79-minute call, he places you on hold four times “to do some research.” Each time he returns he says, “I’m sorry but it appears our system is down.”
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team
P.S. To begin the survey, laugh mirthlessly and click here.

Jan 30, 12:10 PM
RE: Why must you make us beg?
Dear Valued Customer:
           Want to stop getting these emails? Just stay on the line for our three-question survey at the conclusion of every call. It’s that easy!
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team
P.S.  When Andrew asked you to hold for a brief survey, you said, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

Feb 310:07 AM
RE: Are you ghosting us?
Dear Valued Customer:
          Seriously, what would it take for you to do our survey? A chance to win 10% off your next purchase? Your actual refund? How about a trip through the space-time continuum into another dimension where Trump isn’t president and the world order isn’t dissolving before your very eyes? To begin, click here!
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Feb 3, 10:17 AM
RE: RE: Are you ghosting us?
Dear Valued Customer:
          Hey, that was fast! Thanks for doing our survey! Although you skipped question 2:
“Please rank these 25 possible reasons (below) for why you rated Andrew’s service VERY POOR, with 10 being ‘This is exactly why he sucked so bad’ and 1 being ‘This is not at all why he sucked so bad but I wouldn’t put it past him.’ Please upload supporting documentation—PDF or JPG only.”
 
            Also, you skipped the rest of the survey. Why must you make this so difficult?
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Feb 4, 9:35 AM
RE: Maybe you’re emotionally unavailable
Dear Valued Customer:
           We’d like your feedback on the format of our surveys. Your response will help us design better surveys in the future. To begin, click here. To tell us to fuck off, click here.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team

Feb 6, 10:31 AM
RE: Do you like us? Do you really, really like us??
Dear Valued Customer:
            We regret to inform you that Andrew was fired for sharing confidential customer data on the dark web. Poor Andrew. He was such a happy guy when he joined us. Now thanks to valued customers like you, he’s a vengeful bitter shell of himself. We apologize for any inconvenience or identity theft. 
            Your feedback will help us improve! Tell us how likely you are to renew your account—with 10 being “I’m too lazy to cancel” and 1 being “I’d rather self-immolate.” To begin, click here.
Thanks!
Your friends on the Customer Care Team
 

by Robin Eileen Bernstein

Robin Eileen Bernstein

Robin Eileen Bernstein is a freelance writer in New York with bylines in The New York Times, Washington Post, Salon, Boston Globe, Newsday, Narratively, Next Avenue and elsewhere. You can find her on TwitterFacebookLinkedIn and her website. She is incoherent before 7 AM.