President Donald J. Trump has, in his infinite wisdom, removed two pointless free dates for entering America’s national parks: Juneteenth because, duh, it’s not a real date! — and Martin Luther King, Jr’s. birthday because, well, you know.
But in their place our great president has added several new free days that are so perfect they are expected to earn Trump a second extremely gold FIFA peace prize! (Please show the President how much you support the second prize by threatening your members of Congress.)
Trump’s Birthday Dance-Off Day, June 14th
Let’s celebrate our great American heritage with a dance-off at any one of our national parks! Start by putting your little fists together. Weakly raise your fists up and down, left and right, just like you might have vascular insufficiency!
Advanced: Barely get those legs involved!
Wasn’t that a blast? Now be sure to down plenty of well-done hamburgers at the Trump Canteen before heading out for a hike*, because that was exhausting!
* .25k stroll to Golden Restroom
Trump Drag an Immigrant or Democrat Out of the Car Day, February 14
Now you know why Mr. Trump wants those voter rolls! It’s not like Democrats are using bumper stickers anymore, sneaky bastards. But we’ll find them!
And immigrants, well, you can tell just by looking. Oh sure, some whiners will say, “But he’s not an immigrant!” or, “She’s been living here 53 years!” Wah, wah.
That’s why we’ve added the Special Trump Bonus! Any non-immigrant or non-Democrat who is mistakenly dragged out of their car will receive a voucher for a free window replacement at any participating retailer. *
* Terms and conditions apply. Holder of voucher cannot yet have been whisked out of the U.S. Holder must speak English with a grasp of grammar and syntax on a par with Melania Trump. (Generously low bar compliments of DJT.) Holder must also pledge allegiance to Trump by learning a special tune, which is quite catchy, actually. Holder must accept attractive Trump hood ornament and agree to install within 30 days. Colors available: gold, yellow-gold, rose-gold, gold-gold.
There are just a few more terms and conditions, which are available from any ICE agent. To attract an ICE agent’s attention in the appropriate manner, simply wave a clean white handkerchief in the air, being careful not to make eye contact with ICE attack dogs, as this is their special signal.
Gavin Newsom Hunt Day, October 10
Unfortunately, the best we can do for now is hide a life-like effigy of California Governor Gavin Newsom, but the President is working tirelessly to make the hunt far more realistic.
Watch ICE attack dogs locate “Gavin” under the most stringent hideout conditions. How do they do it? Each Gavin effigy contains a thick, juicy hunk of raw Trump steak inside!
After the carnage, come celebrate at the Trump Canteen with a Trump steak dinner for only $59.95! (That’s a $60-dollar value!)
Note: Please enjoy steak dinner with haste, as attack dogs are still hopped up from Gavin hunt.
Epstein Reverse Treasure Hunt Day, 365 days a year, including Sundays and holidays
Every day is a free day at any of America’s national parks, when you agree to participate in our exciting Epstein files reverse treasure hunt!
Each participant receives a piece of evidence from the Epstein files, plus a little something called a “waiver.” All you need to do is sign the waiver, take your piece of evidence, and hide it like a motherfucker.
It’s easy and fun! Just use your imagination and think, “Now where would the FBI look for this piece of evidence?” and then don’t hide it there!
Here are some fun hiding places to get you started: Deep inside a restricted cave; under a Grizzly bear’s tongue; or how about between two adorable sleeping wolf pups? Now you try it!
Trump Memecoin Treasure Hunt Day, October 29
Receive your sheet of clues as you enter the park. You are looking for a tiny little gold-plated fist, which will entitle the winner to ten Trump memecoins!
To redeem your memecoins, simply guess Trump’s Kraken password within three attempts.
Warning: Do not attempt more than three guesses, as this will produce the equivalent of eye contact with an ICE attack dog while waving white handkerchief.
Nappy Day, every Friday afternoon
When President Trump isn’t reading the Bible from cover to cover, he’s working around the clock for the American people. So are we going to begrudge our great president a little cat nap now and then? Certainly not! In fact, we’re going to join him in spirit by visiting a national park on Nappy Day!
Bring along your favorite blankie and receive a voucher for 10 percent off your next MyPillow purchase! Speaking of MyPillow, Mike Lindell’s calming voice will be piped into the Visitors Center every Nappy Day. Just feel those nappies coming on as Mike rants soothingly about the stolen election of 2020. Sweet dreams!
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Kate writes humor and poetry, genres so incompatible that only frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse can calm her inner turmoil. www.wearyourcape.com
