How the Trumps Botch Christmas

“It’s Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their way,
What a crazy fluke, we’re gonna get nuked,
On this jolly holiday”

~ Prophet and soothsayer “Weird Al” Yankovich, “Christmas at Ground Zero”

“Happy Holidays, ya bastards.”

~ Johnny Wright

Read Episode 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |8 | 9

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…


It’s Christmas time at the White House. The historic building has been lavishly decked out by First Lady Melania Trump in weirdly-lit all-white tree branches that look like how Maleficent would decorate the house in Beetlejuice. It’s weird in here.

The White House staff and their families are gathered in the Blue Room for the annual Christmas party. The buffet tables are ready to serve the hungry group, loaded with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, Diet Coke, and chocolate milkshakes.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife, who he calls “Mother,” steps to a microphone behind a podium and welcomes everyone to the White House. Pence furrows his brow and speaks slowly so people know he’s a serious person and says, “Merry Christmas and welcome. We are here tonight because of President Donald J. Trump.” The party cheers. Trump waves and shows a small thumps up. “So, Mr. President, would you please give the invocation, the opening prayer, to our Christmas celebration?”

Trump has never prayed before. Pence knows this. This cheeky gambit is a deliberate move from the VP to embarrass his boss as Pence continues to lay the groundwork for a mutiny followed by a 2020 presidential run. However, Trump is too prideful to decline. It would make him look weak. Fuming mad, he steps to the microphone.

“Uh, dear Father-God, the mighty, uh, the – shit – hollow is your name, uh, we’re glad to be at the … fuckin White House. And, uh, it’s great what we’ve done, what I’ve done. Many people are saying it’s the most of any first year president. FDR was in a wheelchair, most people don’t know that, so he didn’t do that much. Uh, Lord or whatever, we, uh, there’s a lot of people here, a lot of people, many more outside trying to get in, great crowd, God, and, it’s a great, great Christmas and … the end.”

It’s quiet in the Blue Room. Nobody knows how to react to Trump’s flailing attempt at a prayer. Breaking the awkward silence, Don Jr. yells, “Let’s eat! The buffet is open! Merry Christmas! We’re saying it again!”

All of the children at the party are organized into a line to meet President Trump for some photo ops. When every child, ages 3 to 12, meets the President, Trump gives them a copy of Festive as Fuck: A Hilarious Christmas Swear Word Coloring Book. “Kids, you’re going to love this goddamn coloring book, it’s the funniest book I’ve seen in a long time.”

There’s a Christmas tree in the Blue Room. A 15-foot-tall faux-gold tree that Trump insists is made from sheets of 24 karat gold flake. That isn’t true. The tree is from Costco. All of the ornaments are miniature red Make America Great Again Hats, “made of brass and finished in 14 karat gold,” that are available in the Trump gift shop for $149 bucks a piece. There are 750 MAGA ornaments on the fake gold tree, meaning the American taxpayer paid $111,750 to decorate the damn thing.

Performing at the Christmas party is Full Measure, one of the University of Pennsylvania’s – Trump’s alma mater – finest a cappella groups. There was a problem planning the party. President Trump doesn’t like music. He doesn’t like the arts in general. “It’s a little faggy, folks,” he told his staff. Trump’s suggestion was to have Sean Hannity perform a dramatic reading of the children’s book Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. It took some bribery of more television viewing time allotted, but Trump conceded to having a musical group perform … if he picked the songs.

Full Measure has been given three numbers to perform. The only Christmas songs Trump likes. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas,)” and the Tiny Tim oddity “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS.”

The finale of the evening at the White House, is the children gathered and sitting on the floor in front of a large gold throne. President Trump takes a seat on the throne in a manner indistinct from how he sits on a toilet, and he begins to read How the Grinch Stole Christmas! by Dr. Seuss.

Trump does a great job hamming it up as he reads the classic story. He stops on nearly every page to adlib his own commentary. “Do you believe that, kids? Roast beast? Who knows what that is. Maybe roast beast was in the Big Macs tonight, right?”

With the cameras rolling, Trump reaches the climax of the Grinch. “They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry BOO-HOO! That’s a noise, grinned the Grinch, That I simply MUST hear! So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.”

President Trump pauses. The children lean in to hear the conclusion of the tale. “The end,” Trump says and he closes the book. For Trump, the Grinch stealing Christmas is the happy ending. The Grinch wins. And the President sees no point in reading how the Grinch returns the Whos’ presents, is redeemed, and carves the roast beast.

Illustration by Mikey B. Martinez III

At the conclusion of the White House Christmas party, as partygoers make their way to the exits to waiting Ubers and Lyfts, former Senior Advisor Steven Bannon stands on wobbly legs in the corner of the room three sheets to the wind. Hammered. Starting at 3:00 in the afternoon, Bannon has swilled two bottles of Rebel Yell bourbon. After staring at the fake gold Christmas tree for twenty minutes, the tree looking blurry and swaying back and forth moving between two and three trees, Bannon charges, letting out a loud rebel yell. “Wa-woo-woohoo, white people!!!” With the ferocity of a 1987 Lawrence Taylor, Bannon tackles the Christmas tree. Using surprisingly good form, Bannon, leading with his bulbous red alcoholic nose, puts a shoulder into the center of the tree, sending it crashing down. $111,750 dollars worth of red Make America Great Again hat ornaments smash and scatter on the floor of the Blue Room.

On Christmas Day the Trump family is gathered in the White House residence for their annual gift exchange.

President Trump is counting the presents, making sure he has the most. All of the President’s gifts are wrapped in taped together pages from 1980s Hustler and Penthouse magazine photo spreads.  Trump’s stocking contains only plastic Fonzie-style combs and Tic Tacs.

The first to receive a present is the White House First Pet. The staff had tried to get Trump a dog, but with every dog hating the leader of the free world, Trump insisted on a pet monkey. The chimpanzee brought to the West Wing is beloved by the President and she was affectionately named Titties.

“Bring out Titties’ gift!” Trump bellows.

Staffers wheel out a small, solid gold carriage pulled by two Shetland ponies. Trump hands the chimp a horsewhip and says, “You’ll never have to walk again, Titties. I love you.”

Melania had overruled Trump’s initial want for Barron’s present of a middle-aged Black man as an on-call playmate like Richard Pryor in the film The Toy. “It would so funny, Melania. Barron could make that jigaboo do whatever he fuckin wanted!” Instead, the lad receives a go-kart track on the North Lawn and seventeen flying drones.

Donald and Melania forgot to buy Tiffany any presents. Noticing this, Ivanka changed the name on a few of her gifts so the forgotten daughter wasn’t forgotten.

As requested, Don Jr. and Eric receive hunting tags for three jackalopes apiece and one sasquatch each. Officials at the Department of Fish and Wildlife were insistent that both of those cryptozoological creatures do not exist. Don Jr.’s and Eric’s teams would not accept that as their bosses believe wholeheartedly jackalopes and Bigfoot are real. A decision was made that the tags would be issued because it didn’t matter. “Let those knuckleheads go on a snipe hunt all week,” said FWS director Greg Sheehan.

(As of this writing, I, your intrepid White House correspondent, am working diligently to confirm rumors Don Jr. and Eric are planning an expedition to Scotland next Spring to try and harpoon the Loch Ness Monster. Three sources have confirmed independently Eric has been watching James Mason as Captain Nemo and the crew of the Nautilus battle the giant squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea on Blu-ray repeatedly for weeks. Eric also really enjoys when Kirk Douglas sings the “Whale of a Tale” song. Story developing. Watch this space.)

After all the gifts are opened and their Christmas dinner catered by KFC was consumed, the Trump family concluded Baby Jesus’ birthday with their annual tradition; watching Home Alone 2 together.

The Trumps are now gathered in the White House movie theater, snuggled under blankets with popcorn and soda, and the second installment of Kevin McCallister’s solo adventures begins.

Roughly fifteen minutes into the movie, Trump’s six second cameo is about to happen. “Here we go!” yells the President.

The Plaza Hotel was once owned by Trump. In only a year, Trump ran the joint into bankruptcy and he eventually lost the property to Prince Alwaleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia. Inside the Plaza, rascally Kevin approaches Trump and asks for directions to the lobby, Trump tells the lad, “Down the hall and to the left.”

The Trump family cheers. The President then stands up and yells to a steward running the projector, “Okay, that’s good, you can stop the movie.”

Just like he did when reading the How the Grinch Stole Christmas! to children, Trump decided when the story was over. His cameo has passed and that’s all the President of the United States needed to see.

Trump then retires to his bedroom alone to watch cable news until 2:30 in the morning.