Ouija Board Do’s And Don’ts
DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant.
DO use your Ouija in order to befriend ghosts who can tell you if your High School PE Coach went to Hell, and if so, detailed descriptions of what sort of stuff is happening to him there.
DON’T leave your Ouija board in the rain overnight. This will cause significant water damage and warping to the board, which oftentimes will damage the connection and mean that you will be limited to contacting MAGA ghosts.
DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password.
DON’T ever, ever, have sexual intercourse on top of the board (just kidding; if you’re playing around with a Ouija board in your mom’s basement, there’s probably little chance for any sort of sexual activity to happen within that area).
DO leave the Ouija board out on the living room table for all to see, in particular to freak out Jehovah’s Witnesses who stop by for a visit.
DON’T store your Ouija board in the same game storage area as The Game Of Life, as this could potentially cause all of existence to fold in upon itself.
DO ensure that the board’s wooden planchette be appropriately coated with hand sanitizer, as many of the dead people you’ll be speaking with probably died of really gross diseases.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
