Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I will store my carry-on roller bag within one aisle of seat 15C, even though I am in the fourth and final boarding group.

 

I will stand near the boarding area 20 minutes before the Emerald, Sapphire and Tungsten class of passengers are called to their seats. I will stand right near the ticket reader, with my roller bag positioned so that members of groups one, two and three, and also unaccompanied minors, have to turn sideways and sort of squeeze by. I don’t care if you’re Sir Richard Branson and used to own this airline. It’s squeeze or wait.

 

I have been wearing my oversized neck pillow since the car ride to the airport.

 

My roller bag is the exact dimensions demanded by the FAA. I have stuffed it with items as if trying to stress test its materials and zippers. I have packed a dozen outfits for a four-day trip and four hardback books, including the Hamilton biography. I will not read any books on the plane or the trip. It is July, but I have packed a jacket because you never know. I am flying from New York to Miami.

 

I roll my bag low because I have apelike arms. It trails behind me by two feet. You will probably accidentally kick it if you are walking behind me. I do not mind this because it means you are behind me. If you are in front of me and I pass you, the roller bang will bang into your calves. Sorry about that. But now that you are behind me, watch that you don’t kick my bag!

 

I am too cowardly to attempt to board with the Platinum, Selenium or Oganesson elites. I will try to board with Group 2, and when I am refused I will sort of laugh a little and say, “Oops, I thought I was in Group 2.” Then I will back off just a little from the airline employee scanning the tickets, but I will not move back much.

 

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

 

My small, personal item is slung around my shoulder and adds a good eight inches to my girth.

 

I am charging my phone, using an extra long cord plugged into an outlet on a pillar right near the gate check, so you will have to walk around me the long way when your boarding group is called.

 

When Group 3 is called, I will attempt again to pass the gatekeeper. This time I will laugh and say, “Oh, you said Group 3? I thought you said all groups.” I will say this despite “Group 3” and “All Groups” sounding nothing alike.

 

When they say “remaining groups,” I. Will. Be. First. Do not test this.

 

On the gangway to the plane, the hoards before me have bottlenecked at the entrance to the plane. I will worm forward, cutting people off wherever possible, separating families, if I must. I will enter the plane before most of Group 3.

 

The bin atop my seat will be filled, but if I will rearrange the bags so that mine slips into the bulkhead and some other bag is pushed out so that it prevents the compartment from closing. One of the flight attendants will check it for you for free! A checked bag is worth $50. You’re welcome.

 

I will remove everything from my small personal item so that it will fit under the seat in front of me. I will jam most of my equipment into the magazine sleeve by my knees, which will prevent the seat in front of me from reclining.

 

Once the drink cart is in the aisle, I will get up, yank my bag from the overhead bin, put it on the seat, open it, dig through its contents and remove the Hamilton biography, which I will not read.

 

On the flight, I will only watch that map showing where we are. I will curse as I push the buttons on my neighbor’s seat controller wondering why her screen is erratically changing while mine is stuck. I will shoot her a subtle “ooops” eye flirtation as my neck pillow hits her face while I continue to push her buttons.

 

When the captain announces our descent to Miami, I will frantically repack everything. The second I feel wheels hit, I will leap to my feet, grab the roller bag, put it into the aisle and stand up, wearing my small personal item, impenetrably blocking three rows of people from even getting out of their seats.

 

I will be first off the plane.