RFK Jr.’s Natural Remedies to Replace Antidepressants

“I’m going to bring a new industry to [rural] America, where addicts can help each other recover from their addictions. We’re going to build hundreds of healing farms where American kids can reconnect with America’s soil.”—NPR.org, January 29, 2025

 

“Kennedy described opioid, antidepressant, and ADHD ‘addicts’ receiving treatment on tech-free ‘wellness farms,’ where they would spend as much as three or four years growing organic produce.”—Mother Jones, July 24, 2024

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Grass

It’s completely natural. It’s readily available, and you don’t even have to go to seedy locales like Central Park to get it anymore. You can grow it on your windowsill. I happen to know a rich guy with a farm, and sometimes I have to punch a baby cow grazing in the meadow to get some fistfuls of that stuff away from it, but what a high! Way better than drinking fermented lion urine.

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Leeches

Did you know plenty of licensed medical practitioners still use leeches to suck out blood clots today? It’s true. What you really need to do with these suckers is swallow them whole so they can suck out the darkness from your bloodstream.

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Snorting Hot Cocoa Mix

I did this off Lady Liberty’s feet. (I sneak in after dark because I’m banned from the Island). You don’t get the comedown you ALWAYS do when you get hooked on Zoloft. I’m still high.

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Pure Maple Syrup

It’s all-natural and has a lot less chemicals than most lube. The sugar rush you get from sucking the sweet nectar from a lady’s flower nips the Sad Susans in the bud.

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A Huge Plate of Ribs

The blues is nothing a heaping plate of hearty ribs can’t fix. I recommend sourcing locally. Everybody thinks you have to go to Paris or Rome, but there are some excellent catacombs right here in the U.S.

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Nudie Mags

This is a shame-free spirit-booster for people with quirks like indulging in their PMS. My favorite videos feature lady librarians with nerd glasses flipping through library books, tearing out the pages one by one, and eating them whole.

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Cockroach Hunting

Let me tell you, the rush you get when you go into the bowels of the New York City sewage system with a pewter fondue fork and just stab those suckers, and then bring them home and stick them in an electrical socket until they’re extra crispy, fondue fork and all…there’s no faster way to lift your spirits—and increase your protein consumption.

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Sex with a Whore in Sicily

There’s this little romantic ristorante in Palermo with the most delectable squid ink tortelli and pistachio-dusted cannoli. I made tender love to the woman of my dreams right behind it, in the dumpster in the alleyway, and she sucked rancid calamari off my quivering member while I massaged her pillowy soft breasts with the front leg of a horse carcass. Wait, what was I talking about?

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Glue

I sniffed so much glue in my youth, at the tender age of 57. When you snort it up your nose, if you let it dry for five minutes, you get the satisfaction of peeling the dried stuff off your skin AND picking your nose at the same time. I recommend boiling your own horse hooves instead of buying from big-name brands. This is a cure-all for when you feel a little foggy after snorting too much hot cocoa mix.