Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!
Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on earth! For decades you’ve written in to tell us that on no uncertain terms should we be using elephants in our live shows:
“It’s cruel”
“It’s abuse”
“It seems odd that you would still need elephants to entertain us in a time when laser-lights and fireworks are so easily accessible!”
Following a series of violent threats from local PETA activists, Mr. and Mr. Ringling heard your cries and pulled the elephants from our shows.
Each and every Ringling-owned elephant was promptly entered into retirement and sent to the Ringling Brother’s Elephant Sanctuary in sunny Orlando, Florida. There they enjoyed a healthy diet of peanuts, mangos, melons and whatever small animal happened to wander into their feeding area. Every day they would go swimming and enjoy world class massages performed by our reserve team of acrobats. Meanwhile, the circus kept on touring. Imagine it, over three shows a day across this great nation without a single elephant, and what did you do?
You stopped showing up.
Now, every Ringling-owned human has been left to fend for themselves, to find real jobs. Every human except for me, I am Gustav, the only man the elephant’s trust! Welcome to Just The Elephants, Ringling Brother’s first all elephant circus, because this is apparently what you wanted.
Today you’ll see Elephants doing everything you never imagined:
Elephants playing double dutch!
Elephants shooting guns!
Elephants carrying sparklers!
Elephants walking the fifty-foot tightrope!
Elephants resting!
Elephants eating that small child in the second row!
Elephants proving their love to other elephants!
Elephants kissing other elephants!
Elephants kissing human audience members!
Elephants getting upset over all the kissing!
Elephants selling souvenirs!
Elephants making change!
Elephants playing the piano!
Elephants making passionate speeches against the ivory trade!
Elephants singing along to ‘Ebony and Ivory’!
And our grandest trick of all… The Forty-Seven Elephant Pyramid!
So sit back, relax and for the love of god, no flash photography or loud noises, you don’t want to startle this many elephants!
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Kevin Cole is a comedy writer and satirist working out of Frederick, MD. He is the founder of The Annual, a different comedy website and most recently wrote the play Great Again which was performed at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre before it was plagiarized by reality. You can find his tweets @KevinDotCole.
