Self-Care Tips For Zombies

Eat six small pieces of human spaced out over the day rather than one whole human at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’ll keep your energy up and rev your undead metabolism so you can easily hunt down those remaining living survivors who do cardio.

 

Take 15 minutes a day to sit silently with your thoughts and release your unquenchable desire for human flesh. Meditation is a known anxiety reducer, even for people who can walk and kill for days without rest.

 

Adopt a pet and cuddle with them regularly. Unconditional love from an animal is one of the most healing things. Try not to bite them though — undead pets require a lot more exercise.

 

Walk staggeringly through nature, taking in the greenery, the sounds of rushing water, people screaming their last breath as your fellow zombies overtake them, and the smell of the cool evening air. Look up at the sky with your lifeless eyes and contemplate the magic of the universe. But make sure you look around once in a while too in case there’s a living sniper around setting up a kill shot.

 

Do a craft project. Thinking creatively is a mood booster and will help take your mind off your rotting flesh and organs. You don’t need to get anything special — just grab some sticks, ripped clothing from your breakfast corpse, whatever’s nearby — and make something truly unique!

 

Clean up your space. You’ve probably been hoarding old bones for weeks now, making the excuse that there’s never enough time in the day to go human hunting AND organize the spot where you collapse at the end of the night for a few sleepless hours while you wait for more prey. There’s no better time than right now to throw away those bones you don’t need and make room for fresh ones.

 

Try a new exercise routine. If you’re getting bored with your usual run spastically, bite a slow straggler, then run again deal, mix it up! Try going to a dance class, or if there’s none available nearby because you ate all the dance instructors, just make up your own moves as you go about your day. You’ll impress all your zombie friends with your sweet moves that suggest you might still have some cerebral cortex functionality.

 

Burn a scented candle. Or, if fire scares you because that’s how the living got Clive last week and/or your olfactory glands have long since rotted away, you can just stand next to an unlit candle and try to remember how good it used to smell and feel.

 

Stay hydrated! A dehydrated zombie is, well, the same as a hydrated zombie, but it’ll give you something to do between feedings.

 

Don’t be afraid to cry. Being a flesh-eating monster 24/7 can take an emotional toll on you. It’s important to give yourself time to feel, or at least stare off into the distance with a pained expression like a person who still has feelings. At the very least that way, the gang of living survivors you’ve been hunting can get a clear shot at your head.