Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.
A woman should always be held to an unimaginably higher standard than a man. How else will we know they’re worthy of bearing our children or looking after property that they can never legally own?
While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us.
Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.
Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work. *Resident behind him* He doesn’t even work here.
Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it.
Stay hydrated! A dehydrated zombie is, well, the same as a hydrated zombie, but it’ll give you something to do between feedings.
“I Can’t Believe You Thought Coconut Oil Would Taste The Same As Butter” “Potato Chips Count As Paleo. Sure.” And more.
Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.
Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.
Hiring competent people, regardless of their gender, is an important aspect of any manager’s job, but in today’s post #MeToo world, men in positions of power need to take certain precautions when they decide to allow a female into an office environment. No doubt she’s going to wreak some havoc simply by having breasts and walking around, so it’s important to prepare your male employees by requesting they review these guidelines and procedures should they have to interface with her.
Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.
Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you’ll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.
Recently an interview Paul McCartney did for GQ regales readers with a story about masturbating with John Lennon. Possibly, it seems, famous men need a helpful list of things to talk about in interviews that are not masturbating.
Pharaoh of The Exodus When I enslaved the Israelites and ordered all their first-born sons to be killed, I was really just trying to start a productive dialogue with the state about population control. Caligula Yes, I often called myself a god, had sex with my own sisters, turned my palace into a […]
This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you’ve read today.
We miss you terribly. Are you making friends? Is it everything you hoped it would be, or have there been let downs? I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately… I wish we hadn’t gotten into that fight about politics before you left. It feels so trivial now. I didn’t even really know what I […]
Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances and exits to schools, and that is why shootings are able to happen. “Had there been one single entrance possibly for every student, maybe he would have been stopped.” May 18th, 2018 Hands School shootings happen because bad people use their hands to fire […]
It uses derogatory language to describe a person, animal, country, race, religious group, publication, restaurant chain, political regime, oil company, etc. It makes you chuckle wickedly while pressing your fingertips together, Emperor Palpatine-style. Your mom would purse her lips and look down if you read it to her. It’s in reference to a political pundit’s […]
1. You ask it to turn on the lights in your living room, and it turns on your stove instead, which you didn’t even know was something you could program it to do. 2. When you ask it to remind you of a meeting you have later in the week, it says, “what makes you […]
1. She walks into her dressing room, and a burning bush that looks vaguely like Barak Obama tells her it would probably be a good idea. 2. All the cars that she gifted audience members simultaneously break down and explode. 3. Her publicist mentions HGTV is jonesing for a before and after White House makeover […]
After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe politicians Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron steal away to a private garden in Taormina, Sicily to have a more intimate conversation. (The dialogue that follows is spoken in french, aka the language of love). Macron: I wasn’t sure you’d come. I know how afraid […]
Feet straight ahead, eyes forward, hands not on podium: A relatively calm, slow day at the White House. So far no one’s been fired, and the President’s only tweeted twice about not colluding with Russia and once about voter fraud. One foot pointed forward, the other angled to the side, eyes downcast, one hand in […]
