The Overlook Hotel’s Safety Measures for Reopening Now That We Know the Hotel Is a Sentient Being That’s out for Blood.
Disney World Opens Its Gates, With Virus Numbers Rising
Thousands of giddy visitors streamed into the Florida resort, as Disney tried to prove it can safely operate at a highly dangerous time. — NYTimes, 7/11/2020
We’re so excited to welcome you back to the Overlook Hotel — the most magical family-friendly mountain lodge that was once a convalescent home for eccentric millionaires in the Rockies! Before you embark on your journey to our locale, we invite you to look over our updated safety measures in light of recent incidents that have taken place on the property.
While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us.
Here are the new guidelines we’ve put in place to mitigate any future possessions, murders and attack topiaries.
Several rooms will be unavailable during your stay.
There have been reports of less than savory activity, including visits from violent, naked dead women, in certain rooms of the hotel. Those rooms will not be available to book for the foreseeable future. As an added precaution, we’ve padlocked these doors and doused them in holy water per recommendation from our resident priest (who is available for consultations for an additional fee).
All hedge maze visitors must be accompanied by a staff member.
Our hedge maze is one of our top attractions, and we intend to keep it open and accessible to all our guests. However, due to reports that it occasionally changes shape, and has sent its topiaries after guests who need “correcting”, we’ve enlisted our intrepid staff members armed with large hedge shears to take guests through the maze in groups of two or more. Staff will also be outfitted with flare guns should conventional weapons prove useless against these non-living creatures controlled by preternatural forces, and a helicopter rescue proves necessary.
Avoid blood-spewing elevators
While not common, our elevators have been known to release hundreds of gallons of blood from time to time. Should this happen when you’re trying to ride in one, simply wait for the blood to finish pouring into the hallway, then use as normal.
The Overlook Hotel will remain a dry vacation destination until further notice.
Alcohol, whether provided by the staff or the hotel’s sentient being in the form of ghostly 1920s bartenders, has proven to be a gateway to possession, so we’ve simply decided to cut out the middle man. Imbibing on the property is strictly forbidden, and violators will immediately be thrown in our refrigerated freezer until help arrives. If you are offered alcohol, know that it’s definitely being provided by the hotel, and therefore we can’t guarantee you didn’t just pay for it with your soul.
Patriarchs must undergo psychological evaluation before, during and after a visit to the Overlook Hotel.
Since the hotel prefers to exploit family men with inherent psychological issues, like unchecked anger and alcoholism, all fathers must be evaluated by our resident psychiatrist before entering the hotel. If a father is deemed vulnerable, he will be denied admittance, and issued a partial refund. If he passes evaluation, he must attend daily therapy sessions during which time he’ll be reassessed to determine whether or not the excessive family time, isolation or lack of alcohol has weakened his defenses.
Typewriters and people hoping to finish their novel are strictly prohibited.
Unrealistic career goals mixed with “peace and quiet” have proven a deadly combination. Please keep your unchecked ambitions at home, for all our sakes.
Circa 1920s fancy holiday parties are not sanctioned by the staff
And if you see any tux-clad men interacting with humans in animal suits, keep walking and alert the concierge.
Children who “shine” stay free
Clairvoyant children seem to distract the hotel spirits, so we hope to pack the hotel with them. However, the Overlook is not responsible for any psychological trauma your child endures during your stay. Exorcisms are available for an additional fee.
Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Mic, Upworthy, Teen Vogue, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @allyhirschlag.