So You’ve Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane

So you’ve wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane.

Good for you!   This isn’t about being stubborn or stupid, right?    It’s sticking by your guns, dancing with the one who brung you, and so on.    You probably have no regrets about having voted for Trump either, do you?   Adorable.

Well, let’s see what we can do to help you stay alive.   God knows why we’d want to, really.   Who gets your subscription to Hustler if you get killed during the hurricane?

Tips For Surviving Hurricane Harvey

Don’t go near a McDonalds!   I know, I know… it’s tempting to seek out places of familiarity and comfort during a disaster, but try to resist!    The typical chicken McNugget, propelled by hurricane force winds, can zip cleanly through your head in a matter of seconds, killing you instantly!    Almost as fast as eating them everyday, even!

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Try not to be drafted into a suicide cult!    God knows that you love following mindlessly along in pretty much every facet of your life, but c’mon…  now is the time to distinguish yourself!    Plus, if you’d really like to shave your head and inappropriately proposition preteen girls, then you can just wait until next weekend’s Alt Right get together.

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Don’t stand in front of your bathroom mirror, tucking your goods to see what you’d look like as a girl!    Normally, sure, this would be cool.   Live and let live, I say.    But if you’re doing this move right as the hurricane hits your home, things could end up where you don’t want them.    And if you thought that trying to explain to the ER personnel why you have a can of Pledge stuck inside your bottom was embarrassing, try to imagine the same scenario, but instead with your severed genitals.

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Don’t try do steal blu-rays from the Redbox kiosk!   Why do I have to tell you this?    You don’t even own a dvd or blu ray player!    And no one is going to trade a big pile of Redbox movies for even a tiny amount of meth.   So put the crow bar down, and just go back to watching old WCW bouts on your uncle’s VCR.

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Don’t seek protection in your bath tub!   Yes, yes…  I realize that most people will say that a bathtub is a great place to seek shelter during a particularly bad storm.   But in your case, seeing as your bath tub is in your back yard next to a large pile of tires and rusting car parts, it’s probably not the best idea.

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