Least Coveted Raffle Prizes

Cursed monkey hand

Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit

$25 gift card to vegan café “You’ve Got Kale”

Incontinence-Friendly Square-Dance Lessons

Backstage passes to Bill Cosby show

Dollar Store Ouija board that only contacts people in comas

Written transcript of Kanye’s 2015 MTV VMA speech

Free paternity test results read by Maury Povich

Bird-house filled with piping hot coleslaw (feeds 3 people or 47 birds)

Back-hair extensions

$100 contribution in your name to the Westboro Baptist Church