Statement Bags And What They Have To Say
“I do think the show Girls was revolutionary, just not for the reason everyone else thinks.”
“If I see someone on the street in an ugly outfit, I’m going to tell them. It’s the least I can do.”
“My therapist says I have anxiety, but I don’t think I’m anxious. Do you think I’m anxious? Sorry I just don’t like when people stand too close to me, or breathe on me, or say things that are completely asinine. If your breath smells like blue cheese dressing and you’re a libertarian, get the hell away from me. Is that really so much to ask? Anyway, my therapist also thinks I have low-grade depression, which is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t have depression. I just don’t leave the house for weeks at a time because everyone is stupid and it makes me depressed. That’s just called the curse of being alive. Lexapro isn’t going to fix everyone else.”
“Natural deodorant was the worst thing to ever happen in human history.”
“Personally, I don’t believe in the federal minimum wage.”
“I’m not a communist or a socialist. I consider myself more of a florist.”
“If I had eyes in the back of my head I still wouldn’t read anything by Malcolm Gladwell.”
“I’m going to teach a MasterClass on how to shut the fuck up.”
illustrated by Ethan Haskins
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Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @bobbien_
- About the Author
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Illustrator and Art Director.
