SUPPORTER UPDATES

JUST ABOUT TO GO ONTO THE STAGE and face my opponent at tonight’s debate. And folks, I have never been more scared. Not of my opponent. Nor of the awe-inspiring responsibility of representing this proud district. But of spiders. Specifically, brown recluses. Yes, I know, very little venom, but they just freak me out okay? #VoteErnestRyan

 

JUST STEPPED OFF STAGE during the midpoint of the debate with my rival, and folks, never have the differences between us been starker. Don’t really have time to go into it right now – mid-debate, remember? — but… wow. Just wow. Yikesville, amirite? Join the movement at #VoteErnestRyan

 

JUST GOT OFF THE STAGE with my counterpart, let me tell you this race has never been tighter. And yet more in your hands. Your hands if they contain money, that is — was that metaphor clear? So hard to tell tone online. Anyhooo, so yeah, tight race. Need your support RIGHT NOW! Literally. They charge us 5x as much for all caps. #voteernestryan

 

JUST STEPPED BACK ONTO THE STAGE to demand a rematch with my nemesis, and wow, folks, this race is on! And here’s the best part: An *Anonymous Donor* has agreed to match every dollar raised in the next hour… or double every donation made in Nazi gold. He’s an odd guy, this donor.  #VoteErnestRyan

 

ONE FOOT ON THE STAGE, ONE FOOT OFF, signaling to my bete noire, “Ready to face you anytime,” while also signaling to the venue organizers, “I know it’s been three hours. I’m leaving. Please call off the gentlemen with the Dobermans and tasers.”  I think I’m out of characters #VoteErnestRya

 

JUST STEPPED ONTO ANOTHER STAGE for a campaign rally, where the air is electric. Literally. These state fairs haven’t been up to code since there was a code. Sparks, fire, smoke, terror and screams everywhere. Makes you want to go home and hug your children. If only mine were still speaking to me. #VoteErnestRyanOrIllResumeDrinking

 

WAS JUST LIKE ON SOOO MANY STAGES, five states in three days, bruh. How much chili can one man judge? Well thank God at least that that that whole “baby-kissing” thing went out because of the pandemic. Thank yoooou, Wuhan Lab! This is just a draft, right? #DammitShelleyISaidSaveNotSend

 

JUST HAD A DREAM WHERE I WAS STEPPING ON A STAGE, but it was to become President of the United States. That’s right, I was standing right at the heart of… I wanna say, “President-Dome?” Mental note: Bone up on this stuff before shaking up Washington. #JustVoteForMeMan

 

JUST CAME OUT OF THE VOTING BOOTH, and… my campaign probably should have come up with some snappy way to help people remember who to vote for. #VoteForAnyoneButSpiders