The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired
Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.
The Grinch, also known as Dennis the Menace if he was a ferret, prepares all year for his iconic performance. Usually, I would join in on the festivities, but this time I am too exhausted from trying to protect my reproductive rights. No really, I have done enough Women’s Marches to log steps equivalent to doing a 5k, twice.
It’d be amazing if I had extra time to devote to getting in the ‘Grinch-y’ spirit by leaving hard-boiled eggs and Red Bull out for him, but I’ve spent most of my free time at friend’s indie comedy shows to benefit the ACLU; these are shows I would have been invited to via Facebook before, but never attended prior to ‘Planned Parenthood’s’ existence being threatened. So, as sad as it makes me, I can’t play the game where I “hide” my presents from him this holiday season, your girl is energetically depleted.
In the past, I had a blast pretending not only that there is a god (and that he was white despite being from the Middle East, and that without ever having sexual intercourse he had a son named Jesus, and that Jesus’ birthday was December 25th) but also that we are so ‘surprised’ when the Grinch ascends into the town of Whoville, which looks like a Chernobyl set in a Hello Kitty store, to almost wreak havoc.
Any other year before 2016, I would have giggled and pretended to be asleep as he scampered down the mountain wearing only a blouse to spook and torment the town by knocking over a Christmas tree; but as of late I am too ti-ti. I have had my hands literally full begging my friends to vote on Instagram (using the swipe-up feature), and constantly refreshing just in case they need a ride to the polls or have any questions on how to find their nearest polling place!
I mean, c’mon–you know any other time I would be so horny to engage with this sort of naughty/furry role play situation the Grinch does annually with the entire town, but I am tuckered out from looking for ways to stop Flint, Michigan from feeding babies lead through their water.
If I am honest, I have to say yeah I do miss the times when the Grinch stealing Christmas was the most horrible highlight of the season, however times have changed. This year when the Grinch sings show tunes in his giant laboratory on the hill, I can’t play along and claim ‘willful ignorance’ like I did when my little sister still believed in the tooth fairy but I already knew it was my dad (Sorry, spoiler alert!), I am too zapped from dealing with my anxiety diarrhea due to the constant threat of a nuclear war with North Korea.
So unfortunately, this year when the Grinch prepares his rhymes and schemes, I won’t have the zest to participate. Instead of sitting next to the chimney waiting for that naughty green upright sloth to slither down it, I will be sitting next to my TV waiting for Rachel Maddow to announce updates on the Mueller investigation. It’s beginning to look a lot like ‘collusion’, even though we sang that last year. Look, the point is, the Grinch can keep Christmas this year, I am tired.
Alexis Novak is a comedy writer living in Los Angeles. You can read her word bundles in Mad Magazine, McSweeney’s, and Reductress. Let her know if you need anything.