Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The sun during an eclipse.

A banana peel in the trash that you aren’t sure isn’t a snake.

The Rorschach splatter created by a tourist’s back sweat.

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society.

Your tissue with a little bit of bloody snot.

The murderer who lives outside your shower waiting for you to close your eyes, preventing you from ever being truly clean.

The pain behind a forced smile.

Your recurring dream about hooking up with David, your middle school crush. David appears as a cat, but you know it’s him because he had the same sandy tongue.

Sequins. Oh yes.

Spinach between your friend’s teeth that you didn’t tell them about and it’s too late to say anything, so now you’re an accomplice.

A picture of your divorced parents on their wedding day. They were so happy.

The doctor’s lips when she diagnoses you with lip-watching disease.

The bar of chocolate on your desk that you’re “saving” for “later.”

When guests come over to your apartment and suddenly you can see it from their perspective and wow, yeah, it’s filthy.

The person your friend specifically instructed you not to look at while dishing hot gossip.

Your empty mind when you try to remember why you walked into the other room.

The true meaning of Christmas.

The cymbals we’ll clash to wake you up after we sneak into your home.

Your teeth because are your gums receding??

The brag within a humblebrag.

The slideshow of your life that plays right before you die.