Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Tucker Carlson Rates Other Famous Mascots Based On Hotness

The Starbucks Mermaid: My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10