Best of 2023

Wendy’s Daily Planner

5:30 AM– Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King.

6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right.

7:30 AM– Meet with the legal team re: toys from kids meals being used by adults as butt plugs.

8:45 AM– Throw a 20 minute breakdown tantrum over losing promotional crossover opportunity with The Flash to McDonald’s, decide to settle for that stupid Barbie movie.

10:30 AM– Regular weekly session with meditation guru, including the much-dreaded Frosty enema.

11:45 AM– Lunch meeting with the ghost of Dad, who again goes on and on complaining that we’re hiring too many immigrants and “weirdos”.

1:00 PM– Midday power nap. Wake up in a panicked sweat from another nightmare about having purchased most of our meat from the Chinese wet-market back in 2019.

5:30 PM– Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace.

11:30 PM– Show up at closest local 24 hr Wendy’s location with a bottle of gin, have my pick of any of the overnight assistant managers.