Best of 2022

Little Debbie’s Got A FAQ For You

Hi Little Debbie!

How’s it going?
This is truly a thrill, as I’ve always been a fan of your snack cakes. Nothing like a Little Debbie snack cake at the end of a long school day! I’ve noticed recently that my favorite, the Zebra Cakes, aren’t available very often in stores. Is this just a supply chain issue? Please tell me that you haven’t stopped making them!

Antoine Gargler, PA

Hey yourself Antoine. Yeah, what a mess. We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.

Little Debbie, so nice to meet you!
My fiance and I love your snack cakes! In particular the Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, they’re so tasty! In fact, my Brad asked me to marry him by using the snacks to spell out “Will you marry me?”!!. My reply would have been yes anyway, but the dozens of snack cakes didn’t hurt! LOL!

Sondra Horkie, TX

LOL? Jesus. Listen sweetie, you two should probably crawl out of your love-cocoon every now and then to watch the news. Those Strawberry Shortcake Rolls were recalled several months ago. If I’m remembering correctly, they were loaded with housing insulation and rat fecal matter. You may want to hold onto several boxes just in case your marriage doesn’t work out, though; if they haven’t killed your fiancé and yourself by now, just a few more could certainly do the trick.

Hey there Little Debbie! This is truly a trip!

I’ve been having something of a difficult time of late, I’m sorry to say. Things are rough in the world right now, am I right?
I was wandering in a depressed haze through my local market when your Fancy Cakes snacks suddenly caught my eye. For whatever reason, childhood nostalgia perhaps, a bit of sunlight was able to break through the clouds. I quickly purchased the cakes and ate them in my car, enjoying my first happy moments in months.
So, Little Debbie, I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you for the happiness that you bring into this difficult world!

Irving Scroedel, CA

Fancy Cakes? We still make those things? I always thought that “Fancy Cakes” sounded like the nickname of a kid who got beat up a lot in school. Sorry to hear about your problems, I guess. Everyone has problems, but not everyone bugs other people about them, you know? No offense or anything. I’ve had the FDA up my ass for the past eight months and you don’t hear me complaining.

Hey there LD!

May I just say that you are a godsend? My father was a figure in organized crime as a child, and after he testified in court against many of his business partners, my family had to be placed into witness protection. As you may expect, this is not always a perfect fit / solution, and so we were often on the move from state to state. Still, every state seemed to have grocery stores stocked to the gills with Little Debbie snacks. Which was always a comfort to me and my sisters. Thank you, and God bless!

Cassandra Blurgh, somewhere USA

Hey, thanks and all, but don’t knock the mob. They’ve been instrumental in the success of my brand, and have kept Dolly Madison and her cronies in the dimly lit corner of the snack aisle for decades. And if you are going to bad-mouth the mob, for fuck sakes keep me out of it.