Tucker Carlson Rates Other Famous Mascots Based On Hotness

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”-Tucker Carlson, Fox News, January 21, 2022


Coca-Cola Polar Bears

Not everyone knows this about me but I’m super into coke so this mascot gets me VERY excited!! The Coca-Cola polar bears are portrayed like every animal mascot should be: pantsless with big, bodacious dump trucks. The polar bears also remind me of climate change, which reminds me of liberal tears, which makes my iceberg stick straight up. Rating: 8/10

Mr. Clean

Have I had a sex dream about Mr. Clean? Yes. Was it sudsy? Yes. Did I wake up and have to call my mother to come change my sheets? Yes. However, he’s a MAN doing housework which is inherently unsexy, and teaches the next generation of girls to prop their feet up which is dangerous to American family values!!!!! Rating: 5/10

The Fantanas by Fanta

Sexy, skimpy, colorful. Everything the M&M’s could have been if it weren’t for the woke mob. One of the few mascots I’d still get a drink with. Rating: 10/10

The Energizer Bunny

While I deeply appreciate the lack of clothing and the way the flip-flops show off her feet, the Energizer bunny just doesn’t DO enough to charge my batteries. If you’re going to be a mascot who brags about how “long you can make me last”, I’m gonna need more effort. Shake that tail, learn to twerk, carry an AR-15, something sexy! Rating: 4/10

Jolly Green Giant

I get my jollies from the Jolly Green Giant! First of all, he’s built like Dwayne the Rock Johnson and wearing almost nothing. Secondly, he reminds me of Adam from the Bible, and nothing gets me all worked up more than the word of God. Plus, he makes frozen vegetables look sexy as hell. It’s a yes, peas from me. Rating: 8/10

Wendy from Wendy’s

Hot, juicy redhead. All-American (by which I mean white). Never has to be told twice to smile. Makes me think of a bacon cheeseburger. Would love to dip my fries into that frosty. Rating: 9/10

Chick-Fil-A Cows

The Chick-Fil-A cows are sexy because they leave something to the imagination. What’s behind that “Eat Mor Chickin” sign? Are they naked or do they have on skimpy lingerie? No one knows but I’d certainly like to find out. Plus their chicken tastes like my two favorite “H” words: heaven and homophobia. Rating: 7/10

Burger King King

Way, way, way too clothed for me to even CONSIDER getting a drink with. Seriously, not an inch of skin showing, even a mankle (man ankle). Also if I grow a mustache I look exactly like him and I resent that. Rating: 2/10 

The Starbucks Mermaid

My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10

Minnie Mouse

Minnie Mouse before the pantsuit is what made Disney World the horniest, I mean happiest, place on Earth. Minnie Mouse after the pantsuit just reminds me of Hillary Rodham Clinton and is a disgusting symbol of the feminist agenda. Do you think I went to Magic Kingdom for the rides? The pineapple dole whips? No! I went to see that hot little mouse in her hot little red dress.  Rating before the pantsuit: 1000/10 . Rating after the pantsuit: 0.