How to Do the Monkey Bars as an Adult

In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don’t immediately regret. But if you’re like me, you’re either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you’re seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider.

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.

I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief

Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

Frog and Toad are Doing Their Best (Book Excerpt)

Toad ponders a variety of questionable schemes to pay off his credit cards, while Frog spends too much time scrolling through the newsfeed on his phone. But despite their daily frustrations and existential concerns, they know that having a friend to share life’s burdens makes even the darkest days brighter.

Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump's Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast

Upon reading the news, in the East Chipping Gazette, that US President Donald Trump refused to concede the election – which he lost handily to Joseph R. Biden Jr in both the electoral and popular vote – British murder mystery ingenue Daphne Hammond closed the paper and asked Griselda to bring in a second poached egg, and sugar for the tea.

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match. 

I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattended in a parking lot after 5 pm. That’s just plain rude.  I was totally pissed. How dare this stranger call me ma’am? I was 27. 

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

To Whoever Finds This Note

I'm sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don't have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons. Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag. Eat that banana.

How the Trumps Botch Christmas

“It's Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their…