The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

Shortly before the great prophet Garglejeans was beheaded by Hoagie The Elder he prophesied that the “End Of Days” will take place sometime after our people were enslaved by Gloopy The Giant Moose of Flugendorf. He said that there will come a time when a great man will lead us into the final battle against him to deliver us from persecution and to usher in a new era of peace.

‘The One’ will be a humble, quiet man inconspicuously camouflaged into society. But, the virtuous ones with righteous hearts and noble minds can identify him by his purple skin and colossal antlers.
He will be a great warrior that is kind to his faithful, but merciless to his foe. His followers will have their thirsts quenched by his holy liquids while his foe will be stuck drinking regular, stupid water like idiots.

He will be hot. But, more in a ‘cute’ way instead of a ‘daddy’ way. I mean I’d still TOTALLY do him, but in a nicer, gentler way.

He will possess extraordinary abilities and will be exemplary in both the written and oral traditions of our people as well as slicing a person in half with a really sharp sword. He will be able to move things with his mind and could change the sex of a donkey just by winking at it and giving it the finger guns.
It is believed that once every generation there is a person born with the potential to be the chosen one and will be called upon when the time is right.

The Secret Counsel Of Vulvatine has determined that you have the potential to be ‘The One’ and would like to test you to see if you will be the one to shepherd us into the new age.
There will be three tests, should you choose to accept them and they will not be easy. They will require immense sacrifice and a great deal of pain and suffering.

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Then, you will have to wrestle a cranky yak to the ground naked while singing that goofy part of One Week by the Barenaked Ladies where they’re talking about a Chinese chicken or something.

Lastly, you will have to withstand the Seven Days Of Zod where you will stand atop very narrow pole thirty five feet above the ground on one foot surrounded by fire and sharp metal spikes. There will be a crowd screaming, “Zod! Zod! Zod!” and throwing tomatoes at you for seven straight days or until you politely ask for someone to let you down. Once you do that you will have past the test.

From there you will be escorted to The Rock Of Dwayne Johnson by Gus The Wizard who will lay you down and cover you in oils so he can massage your body while his companion Louis sings some sort of Gregorian chant to you. We don’t know why he does this. Gus isn’t a wizard; that’s just what he calls himself cause he likes to give massages and tell people he has magical hands. This isn’t really a part of The Prophecy either, but he’s a really nice guy and we thought it would be nice for you two to meet at some point because we think you’d really hit it off!

When you return from your massage The Counsel will bestow upon you the legendary Potato Of Destiny. This powerful weapon can only be held by those worthy enough to wield it. This is the weapon in which you will march onto the mountain to defeat Gloopy The Giant Moose Of Flugendorf.

Once you have vanquished the beast we shall bury it where it lies and build a great temple on its grave. Odds are we won’t like the location of the temple so we’ll tear down the temple, exhume the beast’s body and rebury it someplace nicer and rebuild the temple on its grave again. Let’s shoot for a place like Colorado or Montana cause I really like to ski.

There will be statues built and songs written in your honor. When you die we will see to it that Gus is there to massage you into the afterlife and we will hold a funeral fit for a king. People from lands far and wide will be there to honor your memory and to feast on a lovely assortment of finger foods.

People will tell their children stories of your bravery and worship you like a God, because you won them their freedom and you paid the price for their salvation.

So, to you I make this toast. Here’s to you and your potential.

Godspeed Chosen One.