Tesla Announces Awesome and Super Not Dangerous Products for Females

HusbandAI

 

Everyone knows that Tesla loves the ladies—especially those hideous feminists who can’t even pay a man to stick around. Now those spinsters can enjoy HusbandAI, a device made for cats to wear, and jezebels to enjoy. Simply strap your cat, probably named Ryan Gosling, to the HusbandAI, and finally, a man will talk at you. HusbandAI tells you the sweet nothings any spouse would, such as “Why don’t you dress like your friend Veronica?” or “The mental load is a myth.” Just like a glorious human man, HusbandAI will never do the dishes, never scrub a toilet…but he always leaves indestructible skid marks the way gals secretly enjoy. Where does he leave them? Sky’s the limit, princess. HusbandAI knows that wiping his ButtAI makes him gay.

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NeuraBra

 

Have you noticed the lack of giant tits due to the cuckification of America? Behold the NeuraBra, an entirely new manner of strapping tig-ol-biddies up to your neck…and it’s controllable by your man. The NeuraBra comes with two parts—a microchip implanted into the master’s brain, and the bra, locked onto the female’s chestal region. Only the master has the key, because chicks lose everything. Using just the unparalleled power of man-thoughts, the NeuraBra gigantizes the boobs or spins them in different directions. Imagine you, a glorious TradWife, doing baby things or whatever. Suddenly your knockers begin twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! Picture your delight as you can’t control your own body whatsoever.

Some 3rd degree burns have been reported by the media, but they lie, and so does that witch Jennifer who DID NOT win that lawsuit.

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Self-Driving Vibrators

The fairer sex are feckless creatures and terrible drivers. Therefore, they can’t be trusted to use vibrators correctly, which is while crying and wishing for a boyfriend who is pale and from South Africa. Introducing the new Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator. It’s the vibrator women need but don’t want, and its rate of explosion is 3% down over beta testing. That’s a lot of numbers for the female brain, but what it means is that the Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator will never replace that real-life man you brought home last weekend—undoubtedly excellent at lady-sex stuff, like all guys.

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HoverToaster

Are you too much of a manic pixie dream girl to own a regular appliance? Are you too sexy to purchase a toaster that doesn’t fly or randomly electrocute you? If you allow a little electrocution to un-woman you, then the Tesla HoverToaster is not for you, chicky. It burns bread faster than any other toaster in existence, clocking in at an unparalleled 1.3 seconds. Can GE manage that? Or the Chinese??? Nobody makes food inedible like Tesla, just as nobody else is murdering their drivers the way we can. Afraid? That’s natural for the gentler sex. Only the top 1% of you can even catch the HoverToaster, much less survive it.

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BullyLink

Finally, a product that allows free speech! BullyLink is the tool you need to speak your supportive female mind about how liberal women shouldn’t exist, angry women shouldn’t exist, and how women shouldn’t be allowed to say no. Because nothing is more important than free speech, sweetie. Buckle Tesla BullyLink to your mouth, and 17 pounds of badass metal will immediately make you look smarter than the other PTA women—and definitely won’t cause face prolapse. With BullyLink, you can scold enemy broads close to you, or far away with its patented BullyECHO feature. Watch glass and hysterical fee-fees shatter everywhere you go!

Although BullyLink is megaultrapowerful, do not use BullyLink in water, at an elevation above 500 feet, or near squirrels. By reading this, you agree to indemnify Tesla from all squirrel king attacks.

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The CyberPad

Are you, a genuine lady, tired of woke products showing you reality, which makes you frown? Frowning is disgusting. Look no further than the Tesla CyberPad, a new internet tool to feed you the misinformation men wish were real. CyberPad can be activated by any non-DEI-hire face, and it has two Modes: Unhinged and GodMode. In Unhinged Mode, comments you leave on X (NOT TWITTER) are automatically changed to be more man-friendly. If you try to female all over the CyberPad’s superior truth power, it sends a wailing shriek through the internet because the Tesla CEO can totally handle his opinions being challenged. GodMode is only for Elon, the man you lust after.

CyberPad is not for menstruation, silly girls. That’s nasty, why would you think that?? And no, the Tesla logo does NOT resemble an IUD!