The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock

1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About halfway through your meal start speaking Italian so if anyone is eavesdropping they won’t know what you’re talking about. Excuse yourself to the lavatory to retrieve the gun that was planted by one of your confidants. Return to the table and let the cinematic tension build. Once you gather up the courage to shoot that filthy animal right in it’s neck exit the building and enter the getaway car.

 

2. Befriend a stranger on a train and strike up a conversation. Throughout the course of your conversation, he will reveal that he’s going through a rough divorce that will bankrupt him. Tell him that you have a similar problem with one of your hens. Offer a devil’s bargain which guarantees that you’ll kill his wife if he kills the hen. Convince him that there’s no risk because nothing connects either one of you to the murders. He will probably laugh it off and dismiss it as playful banter. The next day kill his wife and force him to live up to his end of the deal.

 

3. Live undercover among your animals for about three years or so. Through a series of trials and tribulations, you will earn the trust of the patriarchs and gain power in the syndicate. Once you’re at the top, start playing puppet master. Form alliances and double cross them. Shift the blame elsewhere so your hands remain clean. Eventually, they will wipe themselves out through gang warfare.

 

4. Put on a suit and tie one of your animals to a chair in a warehouse/hideout. Turn it on the radio to K Billy’s Super Sounds Of The 70’s. Stuck In The Middle With You by Steeler’s Wheel will be playing. Dance around and beat the shit out of your animal. Then (and this is the important part) prove how crazy you are by cutting off its ear.

 

5. Drug two pigs and lock them in a dilapidated bathroom chained to pipes. Give them two cassette tapes. On the one tape should be an audio recording urging the one pig to try escape while the other tape threatens to kill the other pig’s family unless that pig kills the other pig.

 

*Note: Place two hacksaws in the toilet

 

6. Take one of your older goats to Russia. While you’re there challenge the reigning heavyweight champion of the world to a boxing match. Train the goat and dress it in American regalia to emphasize the political tensions of the time. During the fight, you’ll quickly realize that the goat’s moxie and crackerjack personality is no match against the Soviet bruiser’s thunderous blows and it will die tragically in the ring.

 

7. Select seven cows that correspond to each of the seven deadly sins. Kill them over the course of several weeks. There will be an old cow and a cocky, arrogant calf roaming the pasture trying to figure out who’s responsible for the murders. Don’t worry too much about them. They won’t find you until you’re ready to turn yourself in.

 

*Note: keep a head in a box.