The Boner Ban Bill, Because Life Begins at Erection

Americans are more divided than ever over abortion, but I’ve come up with a great idea! The debate always comes back to when and whether someone can end a pregnancy, so by the time a uterus is involved, it’s too late in the reproductive process for people to agree about what should be allowed. The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet!

 

Why penises? That is often a question with no good answer. But in this case it’s obvious! If states are going to continue to redefine “life” – a philosophical and/or religious concept with no basis in science or medicine – to justify regulating not just pregnancy, but increasingly phenomena like fertilization that occur before pregnancy, then the new law must boldly go even further upstream in the reproductive process and codify the logical conclusion to this line of thinking: life begins at erection.

 

As such, I propose a comprehensive Boner Ban Bill. The bill will prohibit all boners, regardless of how or why they occurred, even if several busty women in red swimsuits run by in slow motion on the beach. To ensure compliance with this part of the bill, one should avoid going to the beach, watching 90’s television reruns on TNN, and remembering their college roommate’s bedside poster. Because erections are sacred vessels of life, the bill must include an exception for boners generated with the express intent of initiating a pregnancy that will be carried to term. In those cases, a man is required to simply get a permission slip signed by his parents and his wife and certified by a notary public to prove that he meets the erection exception.

 

The bill should also include active surveillance measures for identifying those with unauthorized boners. Enforcement of the bill’s provisions will heavily rely on everyday citizens to report people for violations in exchange for a cash prize. Because any interaction could be with someone who may try to entrap you so they can get the boner bounty, the best way to comply with this law is to – paraphrasing another popular and effective public health campaign –  just say no to hugs.

 

Being caught with an illegal erection must of course come with stiff consequences to truly prevent something that has already happened from happening. Please note that even if one or more persons contributed to this condition, the boner-haver alone will be the one to face consequences. The sure-to-be-effective punishments for violating this prohibition include paying a humiliatingly large fine to a sexy comptroller like a piggy, being tied up in tight leather shackles in a dark dungeon, and/or a long hot spanking session for being such a naughty naughty boy. (Note: due to the nature of these consequences, reading about them is also banned.)

 

Finally, you might think that a Boner Ban Bill would include funding for boner prevention education, so people don’t get into hard situations they don’t want to be in, and for prevention measures, like making pornography, boxer briefs that are too tight, and a gentle breeze on a summer evening harder to access. But to be consistent with other legislation regarding reproductive health, none of that is included in this proposal because men should simply not be engaging in behaviors that may lead to erections in the first place, even if they aren’t entirely sure what those behaviors are and/or don’t have access to the means to stop them.

 

I am confident that a ban on penile tumescence will quickly heal the stark divide in America over reproductive rights. No doubt the many men who have been so passionate about regulating uteruses will be thrilled to realize their accidental oversight of a great solution to this problem, and will be just as enthusiastic about a law that regulates their bodies instead!