The Eight Most Awesome Things About Binge-A-Derm TV, the Patch That Catches You Up on the Television You’ve Missed (Post Sponsored by Binge-A-Derm TV)

Everyone agrees that society’s biggest problem is too much television and not enough time. With an ever-increasing number of cable networks and streaming services, the crisis is becoming worse each day. It’s especially troublesome because keeping up with popular, critically respected TV programs is the best way to show your friends, colleagues, and potential romantic partners that you are an intelligent, responsible human being.

 

That’s why we’re psyched about Binge-A-Derm TV, the new product that will make sure you’re never out of the loop again. Here are the eight most off-the-hook reasons we’re stoked for this quantum leap forward in pharmaceuticals and media.

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1) This is what we call “patchy reception!”

Binge-A-Derm TV is a patch that intravenously delivers all of the television into your body. You will know everything that’s ever been on TV, and what to think about it.

 

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2) The way it works is fascinating.

Binge-A-Derm TV has secured licensing agreements with every major network and studio. On the one hand, this doesn’t seem to actually explain the mechanism by which one would discharge TV into your veins. On the other hand, mellow out.

 

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3) Binge-A-Derm TV is “free.”

Are we bad at punctuation, or were those quotation marks purposeful? Let’s just say that Binge-A-Derm TV is funded by targeted advertising, surveillance contracts, and an exciting new technology called implanted suggestion marketing. What, exactly, is implanted suggestion marketing? We told you: it’s “free.”

 

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4) Binge-A-Derm TV is safe.

Binge-A-Derm TV has not specifically been prohibited by the United States Food and Drug Administration.

 

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5) It’s easy to sign the release.

As long as you scroll quickly and click without reading, you’ll barely notice as you agree to hold Binge-A-Derm TV’s manufacturers harmless for any and all injuries suffered during the use of the product, up to and including death and missed episodes.

 

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6) Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe.

They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!

 

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7) This is good and you should do it.

You may protest that our product defeats the true purpose of humankind’s relationship with the arts. Perhaps you feel that we are meant to identify with others in the course of an emotional journey when watching television, and that a corporation such as ours should never reduce such a thing to raw data. You might believe that we have forsaken something precious in the name of efficiency.

 

To this, we say: affix the patch. Trust us. We will give you 10 percent off at a major grocery store chain. Excellent. It’s better this way. You’re all caught up now.

 

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8) This has all been a Black Mirror episode streamed to you via the Binge-A-Derm TV patch. See how well it works?

It has also all been real.