The Fantasy Football Team of Gerald Lasseter, Age 14
Fantasy League Name
I have no idea, nor do I care. My parents, in their misguided attempt to nurture, are forcing me to join my older brother Jared’s fantasy football league because they fear that my interests are isolating and deny me the sort of mainstream interactions that our family psychiatrist, Dr. Casey Daverol, deems necessary for navigating the social landscape of this banal world. So, after an admittedly cursory search of the sport, I have conceived what I feel is a formidable organization, including biographical information to justify their qualifications and statistics to quantify their abilities.
Glondorn of Abbottswood, level XXI adventurer known for having thrown his longspear directly into the heart of the goblin Takkum Skrum from 125m during the battle of Red Moon River. Thus, I suspect his throwing a pig’s skin could be done with one limb paralyzed by the thorn of a Sasston rose.
Stats: 85,450 XP
Tora Rogentt, level XIII swamp druid of ample bosom whose penchant for transmuting into catfolk will no more allow for the catching of footballs than it did 7 of the 14 eyes of the Beast of Cortani. A noteworthy accomplishment for any rookie player aged 140 years, no?
Stats: 123,600 XP
Tenool Shokat, level VI hill dwarf whose rallying cry of “The mead of the fallen shall wash over hot goblin droppings” was effective, albeit crude, in routing the Death Traders away from their annual owlbears feast. But it is his stocky build that will surely create an unyielding obstacle of offense for Glondorn.
Stats: 14,840 XP
The 3 goblin kings of Thoryal: Muk Foulthroat, drinker of dwarf blood. Xend Waldorn, torturer of lost travelers. Nbetum Skrum, patriarch of the Skrum clan. All level IX royals whose adherence to rules should be viewed as at best tenuous, while their predilection for disemboweling humanoid runners should be, well, entertaining. Runner up, Jared?
Stats: 53,400 XP (avg.)
Wide Receiver (L):
Jehnuth Sesu, level III halfling rogue whose invisibility cloak allowed him to singlehandedly pilfer the Darkfrost Jade from the lair of the Archforn Coven wholly unnoticed. To be sure, a rude awakening awaits the guffawing of opponents as a pass is thrown into the seeming emptiness of the zone’s end.
Stats: 10,320 XP
Wide Receiver (R):
Elongus Moonbrooks, level XVI high elf fighter proficient in longsword and shortsword. Lithe and with a keen sense of the slightest variations in the wind, he will prove proficient in catching and then running unmolested. In the year 1491 DR, Elongus slew his elder brother, an elf so devoid of acumen that he failed remedial math twice, yet their parents seemed to be forever blinded to his true form: that of a pustule-ridden Xorn whose bedroom reeked of flatulence and socks.
Stats: 197,400 XP
Lundry the Sage, level XI wizard whose hypnotic gaze will distract the opposing team rushing forth, while his ability to cast temporarily altered memories will surely make for more than a few discombobulated opponents, a spectacle that would amuse even a boob from the Casey Daverol school of quackery and pharmaceutical-pushing.
Stats: 87,260 XP
To show my willingness to cooperate with Dr. Daverol’s delusions of grandeur, I will graciously allow my opponents to begin each football tournament with a roll of Farjali, my personal 12-sided die. Now, would one lacking even the basics of social norms ever consider making such an offer? I think not.