Entries by Mike Calahan


Best of 2023

LinkedIn Recommendations for Halloween

Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedication to workplace, inspire all of us to do best.

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The Fantasy Football Team of Gerald Lasseter, Age 14

To show my willingness to cooperate with Dr. Daverol’s delusions of grandeur, I will graciously allow my opponents to begin each football tournament with a roll of Farjali, my personal 12-sided die. Now, would one lacking even the basics of social norms ever consider making such an offer? I think not.

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The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent

Since 1871, the NRA has been the backbone of conservative values as well as ardent supporter of every American’s God-given right to shoot loved ones whom they mistook as late-night intruders. Now, the NRA has entered troubling times and found itself in financial difficulty. But do they give up? No. Do they back down? No! […]

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Steve Bannon’s Netflix Queue -or- How Steven Bannon Will Spend the Next Few Weeks While Nursing a Wounded But Bloated Ego, Fomenting Hatred in his Heart, and Drinking Gallons of Cheap Gin from a Discarded Aunt Jemima Bottle and a Sterilized Nipple

Birth of a Nation (the 1916 version, not leftist 2016 film one where the black guy is not only characterized as a human being, but is also portrayed by a black actor instead of a racist caricature by a white actor in blackface. Come on!)   The Grand Wizard of Oz (rare D.W. Griffith film […]

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Punchlines to Knock-knock Jokes Rejected by Highlights, the Magazine for Children, Which Has Since Banned Me from Future Submissions

1. Orange you glad I didn’t say gonorrhea? 2. Lettuce in, we’re being racially profiled and historically this will not end well for us! 3. Anita borrow $100 to pay for meth! Because I’m addicted to meth! 4. Knots-y’s appear to have peripheral influence in the current administration! 5. Leaf me alone or I will […]