Surprising Facts from My 23andMe Results 


Southern European – 62.3% 

Northwestern European – 29.3% 

Sub-Saharan African – 0.4% 

Self-esteem – <0.1% 

Butter – 1 cup 


  1. Michael, people with your genetic result tend to have an increased chance of being annoyed that your neighbors still haven’t taken in their recycling bins even though it’s been four days! Like, why is that so hard? 
  2. Michael, you are not likely to correctly pronounce the word ‘antennae’. You are among a low percentage of people that, despite knowing that it’s incorrect, still say the word as ‘an-tanna’. This is acute and there is currently no known cure. 
  3. Michael, you are 30% more likely to convincingly nod in recognition as someone provides you with directions to a nearby location, despite the fact that you can’t remember a single street name in the town you’ve lived in for well over 10 years now. 

Genetic Health Risks 

  1. Michael, you have one copy of the FstX variant of the AMC gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of finding little to no entertainment value whatsoever in the seemingly endless Fast & Furious film series. They drove a car into space ffs. 
  2. Michael, you have two copies of the WtF7 variant of the ThtSml gene. People with this variant can smell a strange odor but have a difficult time discovering its source or even convincing others that it exists at all. How are you the only one that smells that? 
  3. Michael, you have seven copies of the Uhf2 variant of the SmSng gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of confusing actual childhood memories with plotlines from syndicated television shows. Reminders: You were never stationed at a MASH unit and you never had a neighbor named Kramer.

Carrier Status 

  1. Strong, masculine chin – Variant Absolutely 100% Not Detected. Like, not at all. 
  2. Hereditary alcoholism – 1 Variant Detected. Carriers of the YeHaW variant, however latent, have an alcoholic gene staggering about their DNA, singing Merle Haggard songs, and yelling insults in the form of malapropisms at the other genes. 


  1. Michael, you have a decreased likelihood of shirtless confidence. 61% of customers genetically similar to you will look fine with their shirts off. Not great, but not terrible. Just fine. It’s likely no one will mock you, but neither will anyone utter, “Hubba, hubba”. 
  2. Michael, you are more likely to have a very low tolerance for acronym redundancies. 72.5% of customers who are genetically similar will noticeably cringe at redundant terms like ‘ATM machine’, ‘PIN number’, or even ‘DC Comics’. However, 68.3% possess enough self-restraint to not immediately retort, “GFY yourself.”