The Rolex Venti Flex and Other Luxury Brand Collabs We Should Expect to See
In a bold move to bring prestige to us ordinary people, Rolex has unveiled its Starbucks-themed luxury watch that gentrifies time itself. Here are some other luxury-brand collabs that could shamelessly cash in on the chaos of modern life, because why settle for misery when you can accessorize it?
Hermès x Instacart: The Birkin Basket
A $22,000 distressed leather grocery tote for when you’re too rich to touch produce but still want to feel like you’re foraging. Comes pre-scuffed to give you that authentic “my divorce settlement just cleared, and I’m spiritually connecting with the proletariat via overpriced root vegetables” aesthetic.
A $22,000 distressed leather grocery tote for when you’re too rich to touch produce but still want to feel like you’re foraging. Comes pre-scuffed to give you that authentic “my divorce settlement just cleared, and I’m spiritually connecting with the proletariat via overpriced root vegetables” aesthetic.
Tiffany & Co. x Krispy Kreme: The Last Glimmer of Hope Diamond Glaze Collection
Your life is already a sticky, sugar-coated lie. Behold these dozen donuts, each individually shellacked with so much actual ground-up diamond dust, you’ll feel it grinding against your molars for a luxury you can taste. Inside is a viscous, cloying goo that tastes suspiciously like a midlife crisis mixed with parental disappointment. It’s also delivered in that iconic robin’s egg blue box, designed to make you question every life choice that led you to spend $500 on refined carbs, but not enough to stop you from shoveling them in.
Your life is already a sticky, sugar-coated lie. Behold these dozen donuts, each individually shellacked with so much actual ground-up diamond dust, you’ll feel it grinding against your molars for a luxury you can taste. Inside is a viscous, cloying goo that tastes suspiciously like a midlife crisis mixed with parental disappointment. It’s also delivered in that iconic robin’s egg blue box, designed to make you question every life choice that led you to spend $500 on refined carbs, but not enough to stop you from shoveling them in.
Rolls-Royce x IKEA: The Some-Assembly-Required Phantom
This isn’t just flat-packed opulence; it’s a profound, existential journey into automotive despair. Comes with instructions solely in ancient Swedish runic and exquisitely illustrated by random New Yorker cartoonists. Inside the responsibly sourced, biodegradable cardboard box, you’ll find 1,342 painstakingly machined screws that fit nowhere, and precisely one crucial component missing. Assembly requires two people, plus a licensed therapist on retainer. You might not build the car, but you’ll certainly cherish the solid gold-plated Allen wrench that is perfect for picking at the scabs of your shattered dreams.
This isn’t just flat-packed opulence; it’s a profound, existential journey into automotive despair. Comes with instructions solely in ancient Swedish runic and exquisitely illustrated by random New Yorker cartoonists. Inside the responsibly sourced, biodegradable cardboard box, you’ll find 1,342 painstakingly machined screws that fit nowhere, and precisely one crucial component missing. Assembly requires two people, plus a licensed therapist on retainer. You might not build the car, but you’ll certainly cherish the solid gold-plated Allen wrench that is perfect for picking at the scabs of your shattered dreams.
Fendi x Duane Reade: The Streetwear Sick Day Kit
Even your snot deserves a curated aesthetic! Designer cold medicine, hermetically sealed in individual gold foil packets, so you can discreetly pop a decongestant while maintaining eye contact and the illusion of effortless chic, even as your post-nasal drip threatens to become a marine event. Includes artisanal cough drops, each flavored with the faint regret of past life choices, a cashmere hot water bottle hand-stitched by an invisible child in Nepal, and a doctor’s note, penned by a burned-out resident, prescribing “vibe rest” and the quiet, creeping realization that no amount of luxury can cure your spiritual emptiness.
Even your snot deserves a curated aesthetic! Designer cold medicine, hermetically sealed in individual gold foil packets, so you can discreetly pop a decongestant while maintaining eye contact and the illusion of effortless chic, even as your post-nasal drip threatens to become a marine event. Includes artisanal cough drops, each flavored with the faint regret of past life choices, a cashmere hot water bottle hand-stitched by an invisible child in Nepal, and a doctor’s note, penned by a burned-out resident, prescribing “vibe rest” and the quiet, creeping realization that no amount of luxury can cure your spiritual emptiness.
Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection
This isn’t just a luxury fragrance line. It’s a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.
This isn’t just a luxury fragrance line. It’s a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.
Dolce & Gabbana x Target: The “I Just Need One Thing” Line
Luxury meets the crushing banality of mass consumerism in this new line. These aren’t designer pieces; they’re carefully crafted psychological triggers, designed to exploit the fleeting dopamine hit of forgetting what you came for and impulse-buying the latest irrelevant garbage instead. Includes a monogrammed charcuterie board, intricately carved from the hopes and dreams of a freshly laid-off millennial; wicker baskets to store the other 17 baskets you inexplicably acquired; and dryer balls that have been scented with the intoxicating aroma of fig, tobacco, and the faint, lingering scent of personal bankruptcy.
Luxury meets the crushing banality of mass consumerism in this new line. These aren’t designer pieces; they’re carefully crafted psychological triggers, designed to exploit the fleeting dopamine hit of forgetting what you came for and impulse-buying the latest irrelevant garbage instead. Includes a monogrammed charcuterie board, intricately carved from the hopes and dreams of a freshly laid-off millennial; wicker baskets to store the other 17 baskets you inexplicably acquired; and dryer balls that have been scented with the intoxicating aroma of fig, tobacco, and the faint, lingering scent of personal bankruptcy.
Moët & Chandon x Blue Apron: The Brut Breakup Box
For the recently discarded who still insist that they are unbroken. This isn’t just a meal kit but a solo celebration of your newfound freedom, delivered straight to your doorstep so you don’t have to face judgment at the grocery store. Includes one single-serving portion of Lobster Risotto (which will inevitably turn to glue before you finish crying), a half-bottle of Moët & Chandon (because you’re still worth something, right?), all the pre-portioned ingredients, and a laminated placemat that screams, “Fine Dining Is a Mindset” while your mind is actively unraveling.
For the recently discarded who still insist that they are unbroken. This isn’t just a meal kit but a solo celebration of your newfound freedom, delivered straight to your doorstep so you don’t have to face judgment at the grocery store. Includes one single-serving portion of Lobster Risotto (which will inevitably turn to glue before you finish crying), a half-bottle of Moët & Chandon (because you’re still worth something, right?), all the pre-portioned ingredients, and a laminated placemat that screams, “Fine Dining Is a Mindset” while your mind is actively unraveling.
Louboutin x Roomba: The Slay-and-Suction Series
Your desperate attempts at glamor deserve a clean floor to reflect your self-loathing. These aren’t just red-bottomed robot vacuums; they’re silent, judgmental avatars of your spiraling domestic chaos. They pirouette with sickening grace around last night’s wine spill and never dare to question your burgeoning dust bunny colonies or the string of poor life choices that led to a Merlot fresco on the ceiling. They clean your shame with unparalleled style, diligently sucking up crumbs, pet hair, and the last fragments of your dignity, all while whispering, “Why don’t you just lie down? It’s fine. Everything’s fine”.
Your desperate attempts at glamor deserve a clean floor to reflect your self-loathing. These aren’t just red-bottomed robot vacuums; they’re silent, judgmental avatars of your spiraling domestic chaos. They pirouette with sickening grace around last night’s wine spill and never dare to question your burgeoning dust bunny colonies or the string of poor life choices that led to a Merlot fresco on the ceiling. They clean your shame with unparalleled style, diligently sucking up crumbs, pet hair, and the last fragments of your dignity, all while whispering, “Why don’t you just lie down? It’s fine. Everything’s fine”.
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
