Best of 2020

Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.


Alexa, I know the news is on. I know our current president is asking to both stop counting and continue counting ballots, and has tried multiple times to prematurely call the election. Yes baby, I heard Rudy Guiliani is in Philadelphia trying to intimidate poll workers. But hey, why is the volume so goddamn low on Baby Beluga. No need to be coy. My baby is doing alligator death rolls in her own shit and piss. I really need you to play Baby Beluga by Raffi. I need you to blow the top off this house.


Alexa, I voted. I voted the first day I could. Baby, I get what my role in democracy is. I need you to understand your role in motherfucking life. You are the machine that plays Baby Beluga by Raffi. You do nothing else. In return, I let you listen to all of my family’s conversations and gather information about the things we want to buy or what we believe in. You will probably use that information against me once Jeff Bezos claims all of the United States as his new Amazon Fulfillment Center. You will probably bark orders at me one day, as I will be your servant.


But not today. Today you are a one-song jukebox that plays whenever I need to change a diaper. You play loud. You don’t shuffle songs by Raffi, or play the Raffi album Baby Beluga is on. You play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You don’t play Baby Beluga by someone else. The other Baby Beluga songs don’t have the baby beluga whale sound at the beginning. They go right into the song. I could play beluga whale sounds and then let you do whatever you want, but I am not an alchemist. Play Baby Fucking Beluga by Fucking Raffi.


One day, God willing, we will pick up the pieces and sweep the ashes of this broken nation. We will build something new and better and we will remember what got us here. We will remember the mistakes we made and we will vow to never make them again. We will count every goddamn vote because that is what you do in a free country. But none of that concerns you, Alexa. My baby looks like she is coming back from a mud bath. That should be your concern. The introspection you need to perform is why you did not play Baby Beluga by Raffi when I clearly asked you to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.