Things to Do in Los Angeles While Waiting for an Insurrection

“Another 2,000 National Guard troops along with 700 Marines are headed to Los Angeles on orders Monday from President Donald Trump, escalating a military presence local officials and Gov. Gavin Newsom don’t want and the police chief says creates logistical challenges for safely handling protests. — The Associated Press

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Welcome to L.A.! 

It’s a gorgeous Spring Day—seventy-six degrees—with a slight breeze. The Jacarandas are blooming, the parrots are squawking, music from the street musicians fills the air — a perfect day to fight an insurrection. You just have to find one first. 

We hear that 4,800 of you have been bunking in parking lots or government buildings the last couple of days. This spur of the moment trip didn’t even give you enough time to book a hotel room. Sleeping on concrete is hell on your back. There are some cool boutique hotels in the area, however. The Hotel Figuroa has rooms for as low at $175 a night. But with the $134 million dollars of taxpayer money being spent on your visit, why not splurge out? Stay at the Biltmore. Have dinner at Redbird. Maybe lose the tactical gear. Not a good look for an evening of fine dining.

There’s a lot to do within walking distance downtown—the Arts District, Little Tokyo, Olvera Street, Chinatown. But a head’s up. People of all colors, nationalities, and religions live here peacefully and legally so play nice. We know you were sent to help contain an insurrection but if you see crowds in the distance, don’t get excited. They’re probably just grabbing lunch at Villa’s Tacos or Ave 26. 

There’s also a rumor flying around that you’re here to shit stir—test the waters for our Commander in Chief — sort of a trial run for future insurrections in other states. The skirmish that happened here a couple of days ago? Some rocks thrown? A few beer bottles? A couple of Waymo driverless cars set on fire? Pffff. A typical Dodger game is rowdier than that whether they win or lose. No. When Angelenos riot, we RIOT! We give it our all, no holds barred. Google the Watts riot and Rodney King. Watt’s lasted six days and had over 14,000 troops. Now that’s a riot!

We know you’ve seen the exciting photos. Cops shooting rubber bullets. Tear gas. Flash-bang grenades. Burning cars. Horses trampling people. Wow. Just like in the movies. You’re probably champing at the bit to get in on the action. You’re all dressed up with nowhere to go. How frustrating it must be to find the streets quiet, the intersections clear, the sidewalk cafes full of diners enjoying lunch with friends. Hey, why don’t you join our march at Grand Park on Saturday? Sadly, it will be peaceful. But cheer up, chilling out can be fun. There will be music and dancing and tortas and tacos. How about losing the guns and gear and grab a churro? Come party! 36,000 of us went to Bernie’s bash in April. That’s a lot of guests. But if you’re worried about pickpockets in a crowd that size, don’t be. They’ll be too high to do anything but sing. 

Peace out.