It is I, Ramp

The ramp I descended after my West Point Commencement speech was very long and steep, had no handrail and, most important, was very slippery. – Donald Trump


Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Are you actually blaming me – a fucking ramp – for your troubles?


I can’t believe I have to take time out of my busy schedule to defend myself against the slander of a President who is willing to blame an inanimate object for his issues.  I know it’s 2020 and all, but come on.


Honestly dude, you need to take a look in the mirror.  So, you almost fell down a ramp and embarrassed yourself.  Shit happens.  President Ford nearly fell down the steps descending an airplane back in ‘75.  He didn’t blame tweet the flight of stairs.  He laughed it off and continued serving his unremarkable term.

Please do the same.


I’m sorry that you almost fell down.  I really am.  Far be it for a ramp to ridicule what could be a symptom of a potentially significant health issue, but I don’t deserve the incendiary hate mail I’m getting from your rapidly fading yet rather fervent base.


If you have a problem, you should figure that out instead of directing your blame at a ramp.  And not just any ramp. I’m an Army Corp of Engineers ramp!  I was literally built at West Point.


Not to give you a history lesson on commencement speech ramps, because I know you have a lot of important things to do, but we’ve been constructed for years.  If you think I was “very long and steep,” you should’ve seen the ramp that was built for the commencement address Calvin Coolidge gave back in the 20’s.  Coolidge needed a Sherpa to navigate that thing and he never complained.


Besides, you don’t think I was constructed with the intention of being easily navigated by an out-of-shape 74 year-old man with a history of eating highly saturated processed foods and who has absolutely no interest in working out?


If you had trouble with my easy slope and reinforced anti-slip resistant technology, perhaps it’s time to invest in a fucking Peloton or something.  Besides, President Obama never had any issues descending a ramp in his tenure in office.


Again, I’m honestly sorry you nearly fell down on me.  It wouldn’t have been a good outcome for either of us.  Do you really think I would want an obese, elderly man potentially injuring himself on my conscience.  Nor would I ever invite the potential for injury to myself that a flailing overweight man could inflict upon me.  So, no, it wasn’t my fault.