Translating Popular Adjectives Used to Resell Stuff Online
Nothing inspires creative copywriting and bending the truth quite like the possibility of decluttering and pocketing some cold hard cash.
Excellent: Looks nearly perfect from a distance, if you travel back in time to before you had Lasik surgery, and all the lights are out
Very good: None of our kids vomited on it
Sturdy: Withstood being hurled at a relative during a Thanksgiving dinner political debate
Rustic: Owned by a chainsmoker
Well-loved: Our dog tried to mate with this nightly
Good: One, possibly two, of our kids vomited on it
Classic: More worn-out than a mom on her last day at Disney World
Versatile: Was once home to a feral cat community
Cozy: So small even butterflies couldn’t alight on it
Sophisticated: Stunningly overpriced
Lovingly-restored: As good as it’s gonna get
Heirloom-quality: Given to us by Nana and we feel bad just tossing it in a Dumpster
Retro: May be popular again if you’re willing to wait two, maybe three, decades and think positive thoughts
Original: Purchased by owner at Home Goods, not at yard sale
Vintage: Was recently taken out of moth balls, hence the smell
Antique: We have no clue how this ended up in our attic
One-of-a-kind: Manufacturer stopped making these because even dollar stores wouldn’t carry ‘em
User-friendly: The operating manual is long gone
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Liz Alterman is a freelance writer and the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.)
