A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

Anyone in the Memphis area driving to Vermont today? My son Jaden forgot his inhaler. Would love to get it to him ASAP!! (And for anyone who’s about to DM me to say if my 18-year-old can’t remember his inhaler, maybe he’s not ready to live 1,300 miles from home, check yourself!) — Peace, Jaden’s mom

I know Veronique has only been on campus for 36 minutes, but she’s horribly homesick. Can one of you send your extroverted student to visit her please? (Ideally, this should be someone with a high tolerance for crying.) Have your friendly student (preferably a psych major?) stop by Room 408 in O’Hara-Clarkson Hall to cheer her up. Thanks in advance! — V’s mom

PS: I bet a vanilla soy latte would go a long way toward lifting her spirits!

Unusual request: Does anyone have the contact info for the RA on the 3rd floor east wing of McFlagallson Hall? My DS turned off his Snapchat map last night and I have no idea where he is. — Haven’t slept a wink in Walla Walla

Trigger Warning: Alcohol use, vomiting

My DD’s roommate has been drinking like a “Real Housewife” since the moment she arrived on campus Thursday. The dorm room rug is literally crusting over with Red Bull-vodka and ramen barf. (See photos) Can anyone share best practices for getting a stranger into treatment? Will also take the number of a good carpet cleaner in the Burlington area! TY! — Hugs not drugs

Underage son just got charged with possession. Any lawyers here feel like doing this dad a solid by providing a little pro bono guidance? — Keepin’ it real

What’s the deal with that cashier at Price Chopper? My daughter bought three spiral notebooks and was tricked out in all of her new Mountain Goat gear and this bitch didn’t even wish her a good school year?! We’re from Texas. Is this how you treat people in the Northeast? If so, f- y’all! — Shoulda been a Longhorn

Anybody up for hanging with my 92-year-old mom so DH & I can attend Parents Weekend in October? Your home or ours—Mom’s won’t know either way! Go Mountain Goats!! — Empty nest is best

Our daughter is petite and tires easily. (To read her harrowing birth story and discover mouthwatering chicken recipes, visit my blog!) Since the campus is rather hilly, we got her an electric scooter. We’re looking for a friend/athlete who’s willing to carry it up and down five flights for her each morning, afternoon, and evening. — The Grateful Gourmet

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

When we toured the campus last fall, we were told the Horatio Nelson Jackson Memorial library was open 24/7. I know classes don’t start until Monday but last night (Saturday) it closed at 10 p.m. DD is taking 19 credits this semester (and hopes to start an Irish Step Dancing club) so she really needs to get a jumpstart. Does anyone have the provost’s email address? I mean, for what we’re paying? C’mon now! — Honor student mama

Does anyone have the number of the Urgent Care closest to campus? Jaden is having trouble breathing. He’d look it up himself but he was just invited to play Spikeball with some upperclassmen. (And for anyone who’s about to DM me to say if my 18-year-old can play Spikeball, he’s probably fine, check yourself!) —Peace, Jaden’s Mom

My DD doesn’t know where to sit in the cafe. Sports teams are eating together and taking up all the good tables. There are a few open spots near the windows but they’re tattooed in bird shit  (see photos), so obviously that’s out. Can someone provide the cell numbers for the athletic director and the head of maintenance? What would we do w/o this group!? — Dining Hall Dilemma Dad

V’s mom again here. I took one look at the traffic heading back to campus and decided it might be easier to get her an emotional support animal. Can anyone share the link where I can complete the necessary paperwork? Will she need to switch dorms? Please advise! Heading to the breeder now! — Much appreciated

Proud Mountain Goat mama here. My DS (now a DoorDash/Uber driver) graduated in the early aughts. I like to pop in from time to time to remind you freshmen parents that this is a brand new adventure for you too! Maybe try your hand at making cheeses, dabble in beekeeping, find out if Pickleball is right for you. The main thing is remember to give your child space, freedom, and independence. I say this with all due respect, get off the internet and get a life. I’ll be back to see if you’re taking my advice right after I make DS his chicken tenders. — Head of the Herd