Best of 2022

Things People Say to Writers Translated

“You wrote a book! How exciting!” = Oh you poor delusional fool!

“Where do you get your ideas?” = You seem so dull in real life.

“I’ve been meaning to write a book!” = Any simpleton with a laptop and a thesaurus can pump out a bestselling trilogy.

“This novel you’ve written, could I find it at a bookstore?” = Is this something you’re hawking out of your trunk at farmers markets?

“If you have any copies on you, I’ll take one off your hands.” = I know I’m holding a $12 elderberry kombucha, but you don’t really expect me to pay for that, do you?

“Do you have an agent?” = Someone other than your mom thinks you have talent? Hmm. 

“Do you use a pseudonym?” = Your real name is super-lame.

“Are you making any money from this?” = Do you regret not following your dad’s advice about law school?

“What’s your ‘process?'”= I’m picturing you scribbling on Post-Its in your basement after messing around with that brew-your-own-beer kit you’re always posting about on Facebook.

“So you found a publisher?” = Tell the truth, how much are you paying someone to print this?

“A memoir? Really?” = Who the fuck do you think you are?

“Have you met any authors I might know?” = Can you introduce me to Stephen King?

“Will I recognize any of the characters?” = Am I in it and can I sue you?

“I adore thrillers! = I once read a little John Grisham while using the toilet at an Airbnb.

“It’s just a matter of time before Hollywood comes calling!” = I’ll play along with your fantasy because you’re one of the few people who subscribes to my kid’s sock puppet YouTube channel.

“Do I have a story for you!” = And if you use it, I want 90% of your advance and all of your royalties.

“You’re not, like, quitting your day job, are you?” = Do not for a split second think you can move in with me.

“Back to your agent—how did you find them?” = Give me their contact info now.

“Do you think you’ll write another one?” = Seriously, just how crazy are you?