Entries by Liz Alterman


Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

Best of 2022

Things People Say to Writers Translated

“You wrote a book! How exciting!” (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )


Brutally-Honest Petfinder 

Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.


11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen’s socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!


Notes for My Cat Sitter

If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on ‘Vanderpump Rules’. It reminds her that she hates society.